If you don't know Jaiya John-you should!

Jaiya John is simply incredible.

If you haven't read"Black Baby;White Hands-a view from the crib"-run, don't walk to your nearest bookseller! The book is a poignant autobiography exploring adoption, racism and racial identity that everyone-connected to adoption or not-can relate to in some way.

John's latest book,"Reflection Pond" is now available and is also a 'must read' for anyone interested in the welfare of children-all children.

In a world where millions of children-for various reasons-are separated from their original family (and maybe culture)we are all forced to consider how we can empower children to heal. The book challenges adults to serve children and get involved in their healing.

In addition, John announced the 2nd Annual Foster Youth Poetry Contest. Open to children from 14-24 it is an opportunity for children who have come through 'the system' to share their experiences with all of us. Contest deadline is JANUARY 22, 2008.

For more contest details and entry guidelines, check out Soul Water Rising.
With respect,
Deb

It it looks like a bully, acts like a bully and sounds like a bully-its a bully!

I was recently involved-peripherally-in a conversation about bullying. The conversation started when a parent asked if a particular incident-related to her kindergarten age daughter- was bullying, a big deal and if it should be brought up with the teachers.

Several things come to mind when reflecting on bits and pieces of the conversation:

1. Bullying is all about POWER-the power hurt-either by words or actions
another person.
2. No one should ever have to put up with bullying of any kind-EVER.
3. Bullying behavior has to be stopped IMMEDIATELY.
4. Never hesitate to bring in your child’s school and/or teachers.
5. Bullying behavior HAS to be addressed when kids are young-by the
Time they get to third grade, much of the bullying behavior is already
entrenched.
6. If you want you child to “tell” on someone who is a bully, is being bullied or if your child is the victim-you need to model that behavior and TELL someone in a position to help you sort it out.

The other thing that jumped out was the parents’ concern that they would be making an ‘issue’ out of nothing and that maybe the incidents weren’t serious enough. Of course, we all should look before we leap to conclusions, but generally if it looks, sounds, and smells like bullying it probably is-and it won’t go away by itself. Noone, ever, should have to be bullied-and even if it seems "minor" to you it has to be stopped.

As a parent there is plenty you can do to help your kids:

Make sure they are exposed to as many different cultures, races, traditions etc as you can manage. If your social group or community is homogeneous, then you will have to make an extra effort-but books, games and crafts do the trick-especially for young kids. You can also debunk stereotypes in the media with your child. The other day, a commercial for a remote-control helicopter flashed on the TV screen. The only kids playing with it were boys. Of course, many girls would also like that toy, but by only using boys the advertiser reinforces the notion that girls wouldn’t like ‘boy’ toys. When you see things like that-point them out to your child. We know that there are plenty of opportunities to evaluate the media.

Start early-the bullies do. In fact, the earlier that kids learn to appreciate and accept others for who they are, the less likely they will exhibit bullying behavior-as a bully, a victim or a witness. Unfortunately, it is difficult to believe or understand that bullying starts when kids are young-around kindergarten.

Do something. Say something. Teach your children to stand up for themselves and for others. Remind them that ‘telling’ isn’t tattling. You need to make it ok for kids to tell you what’s up. Then you need to take action.

Most importantly, don’t second guess your instincts and remember that prevention is a whole lot easier than dealing with a full-blown problem.

With Respect-and hope for a bully-free future,
Deb

Why is that auction "Chinese?"

That was the first question my daughter asked yesterday as we were wound our way through our church's "Chinese" auction.

"Do they auction Chinese people or Chinese things?" she asked.

The origins of the "Chinese auction" aren't clear, but I am willing to bet the rent that the origins aren't in China. Conventional wisdom cites a a wealthy American socialite from the early 1900's believed to reside in NY as the creator. According to legend, she was looking for a new and unique idea for charity fundraisers. After struggling to find a new concept she hit on a "Chinese auction". What is the Chinese part you might ask? Well, apparently this wealthy woman believed that making the auction "Chinese" added intrigue, mysticism and mystery to an ordinary event-reflecting the way that many Americans viewed Chinese people at the time.

Fast-forward 100+ years.

Do we still need to put the word "Chinese" in a description? Isn't defining a person or event with this label reinforcing the stereotype of anything Chinese being a little bit odd or off kilter? What is the first thing you think of when you hear the term "Chinese" auction-confusion and chaos or a unique fund-raising event?

This type of racism is not limited to Chinese-consider the "Mexican" standoff-a gunfight where no shots were fired - a Mexican standoff - was inferior and thereby "Mexican." Morris Dictionary of Word and Phrase Origins" by William and Mary Morris (HarperCollins), New York, 1977.

What about "Dutch treat?" Isn't this a stab at the stereotype that the Dutch are cheap-and would make you spring for your own meal rather than pay for your dinner?

Don't these kinds of phrases-no matter who they are directed at-put the speaker 'above' others making the others inherently inferior?

Some argue that if we have to look up the origins of these kinds of racist terms, then the racism is gone. Do you believe that?

I sure don't and neither did my seven-year old-who likened the Chinese 'auction' to the enslavement of African-Americans in the 19th century.

We often scratch our heads about what we can do about racism. Well, here's something you can do right now-rename your 'Chinese' auction-or don't patronize one that won't change the name. Don't tell your kids that you are 'going Dutch'. Don't use any of the 'common' ethnic phrases-ever.

Take action-you're kids will see that you mean business and it will make a difference.

With Respect,
Deb

Olympic Torch Bearers-almost 100% right! Congratulations to Jenny Bowen!

I am sufficiently recovered from my Halloween hangover to resume normal activities....but this year it was just too much Halloween. I am glad that is over and I am not yet ready to face the holiday madness during this brief reprieve.

As I 'came to' this morning I saw that American Jenny Bowen the Executive Director of the Half the Sky Foundation (dedicated to the children in China's orphanages)will be carrying the Olympic torch for 200 meters in Beijing at the start of the Olympic Games this summer. It is not certain, yet, whether the children will be allowed to run with her, but stay tuned. Jenny has proven that NOTHING is impossible.

What could be better than Jenny running? The composition of the rest of the runners, that's what.

Joining Jenny are fellow expats: Marcos Torres of the Philippines, Werner Ebel of Germany, Meena Barot of India, Yoshitoshi Mizuya of Japan, Luis Hong-Sanchez of Colombia, Yury Ilyakhin of Russia and British-Venezuelan Deirdre Smyth.

The eight submitted essay about why they loved China and then the international public went to work and voted for their favorite. American Jenny Bowen recieved the most votes.

While the selection does foster the sense of international community and the Olympic spirit, there is one glaring omission in the runners-where are the black people-African or otherwise?

One has to wonder at such an obvious omission. Maybe there aren't many/any African expats living in China, or maybe they didn't garner enough votes. Or maybe the Chinese didn't believe that they could represent 'the real China' to the rest of the world.

Whatever the reason, I wish that all people could be represented. The global 'we' got 90% right....maybe next time we can reach 100%.

Have a great weekend. Don't forget to send those PJ's to San Diego!
With Respect,
Deb

What's wrong with this costume?

A lot! According to wrong www.tolerance.com "the "Indian" get-up prevails each year as culture-turned-costume. But did you know few Native Americans wore buckskin and headbands and even fewer wore them together? Did you know "war paint" and feathers carry religious meaning and were never worn by Native American children?"

Wow! Who knew?

My daughter left the house the other night in high spirits dressed as Hannah Montana...and she looked great and she thought so, too. By the time she came home, however, she wasn't so thrilled to be Hannah Montana. Someone at the party told her she didn't look like Hannah Montana (like anyone but Hannah Montana would look like Hannah Montana).

She asked if she could have another costume for her school "Halloween Runway" and I agreed. Then we sat down and looked at costumes online. As we were looking, I would make suggestions-and she would say, "no, I don't think so." It finally dawned on me that the models in the costumes were mostly BLONDE-like Hannah Montana-and my daughter knew she 'didn't look like that'.

She would stop and consider costumes modeled by brunettes-"Indian Princesses" were consistently dark haired-but she knows that Native Americans rarely if ever dressed like the costumes displayed and she thought that was "making fun" of Native Americans (YEAH!).

At the end of the day, she settled on a Renaissance period costume (modeled by a dark-haired girl, of course).

The entire episode made me realize that something a 'simple' and fun-spirited thing like a Halloween costume can send messages we aren't even aware that we send. And unfortunately, the messages aren't always positive.

They ask you to consider the difference between 'scary' costumes and violent ones. They ask you to consider whether or not your 'historical' costume, like the "Indian Princess" furthers mis-information about historical figures. They ask you to consider if the costume furthers the notion in our culture that 'blonde is beautiful', which makes a statement about who/what is beautiful and what isn't. It was not a coincidence that the majority of costume models we looked at were blonde.

These things may seem a bit silly or overly politically correct-but unless you have experienced bias, racism (or any other ism)it really isn't our call.

So when you are out trick-or-treating, take a look at the costumes and judge for yourself. Then, when things settle down talk to your kids about what you observed and ask them how they would feel is they were Native American and no one understood their culture or traditions. Ask them about the "Mental Patient" or Hannibal Lecter costume effect on reinforcing our fears of people who struggle with mental illness.

By asking them about how they would feel in another person's place, you open the door to conversations and actions that show how you are combating 'isms' one at a time. As always, you are the best example.

Happy Halloween,
With Respect,
Deb

Help kids in San Diego

Please donate on pair of new pajamas to the kids in the San Diego area who have lost so much.

Send on pair of NEW pjs to:

SCRIPPS Hospital
Attn: Pajama Drive
9888 Genesee Ave
Mailstop LJ36
La Jolla, CA 92037

Please include a short note and a picture of your child.

Please do it today!

With Respect
Deb

Fear of MRAS or Each Other!

Yesterday was one of the first crisp fall days in New York and so we headed to the Bronx Zoo's annual "BOO at the Zoo" event.

We had a blast-as we always do at the Zoo. Magic shows, story-telling, sing-a-longs, hay rides and trick-or-treating were just some of the activities.

As the day drew to a close, we wandered in to a tent where John Farrell was hosting a sing-a-long. Towards the end of his performance, he invited all the kids to come up to the front of the room and join hands-which they did. When he invited the adults in the audience to do the same thing-we couldn't/wouldn't/didn't join hands.

We kind of looked at the person who was sitting next to us and quickly turned away, putting our hands in our laps. There was no hand-holding on our end.

The kids, on the other hand, were having a ball-clasping the hand of the kid next to them without a second thought.

The difference was remarkable.

Now, the adults may have been fearful of germs-after all MRAS is making headlines. And it is scary stuff! Maybe we were uncomfortable with sharing ourselves with a stranger. But maybe we were somehow afraid of each other. This was a very mixed crowd-highly diverse as you would expect in a borough of New York City. Maybe we were afraid-not consciously-that someone elses ethnicity or race would rub off on us.

Whatever the reason, while kids joyfully and without hesitation grabbed anothers hand, the adults were uncomfortable and suspicious.

I wish that the kids' lack of bias would rub off on us so that we might truly be able to embrace others-without hesitation or judgement. But I do have faith in our kids ability to look past differences and thrive in a multi-cultural world-if we don't screw it up.

With respect,
Deb