Raising Great Kids-can be 'as simple as that'!

The Social Media Marketing Blog: 3 Steps to Getting Your Blog Posts Noticed

2008-02-22T07:18:00.000-08:00

The Social Media Marketing Blog: 3 Steps to Getting Your Blog Posts Noticed

New blog site...

2008-02-15T07:13:00.000-08:00

We have recently upgraded and redesigned our blog. You can access the new blog at
http://blog.endbullyingtoday.com

The blog will be focused on strategies and techniques to bring diverse people, cultures, races, traditions, choices and abilities into your everyday lives. We know that if we expose our children to a wide variety of experiences etc. they are much less likely to biases and stereotypes that are often a precursor to bullying-and worse.

So check it out...and take a look at our new (still building)site www.globalbirthdayparty.com

With respect,
Deb

Parental Obsolescence

2007-11-21T12:05:00.000-08:00

Last night was the first night in nearly seven years that I spent alone in my own home-not counting the dogs.

I was able to work as late as I wanted, eat what I wanted, watch what I wanted to watch on TV. It was great.

Of course, it didn't take me long to realize that I was getting a view of the coming attractions-more and more nights left to my own devices as my daughter spends more time with her friends and less with me.

Since I had some time, I began to to think about our role as parents. What is our primary job-keeping them safe, healthy and happy, educated and clothed and of course, loved. Surely those things are critical to raising a child, but I was groping for the "why" rather than the "how" of parenting.

Then it hit me-our primary job is to make ourselves obsolete-just like the manufacturer of that fancy laptop you bought two years ago planned its obsolenscence to get you back in the computer buying game!

Isn't our real job preparing our kids to grasp their futures? We are preparing them for the time when we won't be available to guide them. We are preparing them to take their place in the world-on their own and without us.

Of course, I don't want to make myself obsolete too soon, I do realize that the balance of power is slowly shifting as my daughter gets older. At the end of the day, she will have to make the call on how to act or react to any given situation.
The best I can do is give her the tools that will guide her over the course of her life and hope she uses them.

The ability to thrive in most situations with most people in a positive and non-judgemental way is one of the most powerful tools that we give our children. We need to remind our children-and ourselves-that we need to look beyond our differences and make judgements based on things other than color, race, culture, religion etc. When we get there our obsolescence will be survivable for our kids.

For this Thanksgiving, however, I am not quite ready to throw in the towel-I still have some tools to pass on to my daughter. And I am planning to enjoy doing just that-while I am still the #1 person in her life.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

With Respect
Deb

Families are Forever. Period!

2007-11-20T04:27:00.000-08:00

November is National Adoption Month. It is a time to celebrate and honor families formed via adoption and remember all of the children, both in the US and abroad, who need 'forever families'.

That's right-'forever families'.

Contrast the spirit of National Adoption Month to the headlines that have screamed that Angelina Jolie's daughter Zahara's adoption was anything other than legal, binding and forever and the ramifications that these kinds of accusations have, not only on Angelina Jolie's family, but on all families formed via adoption and all of the children who have yet to find their forever families.

Adoption is forever. Period. That is the bedrock promise that parents who expand their families via adoption make. It isn't temporary. Parents can't change their minds and 'return' a child and birthparents who legally terminate their parental rights can not decide at a later date that they want to raise the child.

The concept of forever family is critical to the health and well-being of the children that joined their families through adoption. Think about it for a minute and imagine the anguish the children feel if they think that their family-unlike families not formed by adoption-is temporary and could change at any minute. Talk about having a hard time attaching and forming lasting meaningful relationships.

So as the headlines scream that 'Zahara's parents want her back' remember that she is a real kid-who has already been through the trauma of losing her first family. She needs and deserves a family-as we all do. And what about the millions of kids that, like Zahara, have joined their families through adoption? How do you think they feel when they see the headlines or hear the "news"?

I can tell you how they feel. Scared. Afraid to make 'permanent' bonds with people because the risk of it being taken away is too great.

We need to hold the media accountable for their role in perpetuating the notion that adoption is anything other than permanent. The media can go after Angelina Jolie all they want-she's a grownup-but her children-and my child-have the right to grow up knowing that their family formed-by adoption-is as permanent and lasting as any other family.

And if that doesn't convince you, think of the kids in our foster care system and the kids in orphanages around the world. What does this kind of 'news' do to them?
It fuels the fears that many parents considering adoption have-that they will somehow lose their child to his/her birthparents after they have become a family.

Go ahead and buy magazines and newspaper with stories about Angelina and Brad-but don't buy the ones that exploit their children because it is not only their children that get hurt. All of our children get hurt.

By the way, all evidence points to Zahara's adoption as 'legal and irrevocable'. Do you think you will see that story on the cover of "People"?

With respect,
Deb

The lesson of the mandala....

2007-11-19T06:44:00.000-08:00

Mandala is the Sanskrit word for completion or circle. Up until a few years ago, I had never heard the word or had any idea that a mandala was a 'thing'.

In 2004, Lama Tentzin came to my daughter's school to build a sand mandala. The Sand Mandala is a Tibetan Buddhist tradition which symbolises the transitory nature of things. As part of Buddhist canon, all things material are seen as transitory. A sand mandala is an example of this, being that once it has been built and its accompanying ceremonies and viewing are finished, it is systematically destroyed.

The kids were able to watch Lama Tentzin slowly and methodically build the beautiful mandala over the five day school week, while talking with him about peace, harmony and love. They meditated with him in the morning and listened to his prayers before he began work on the mandala each day. At the end of the week, they watched him dismantle the mandala and accompanied Lama Tentzin and the mandala to the beach where the sand was returned to nature.

My daughter talked about-and still talks about-Lama Tentzin. She was as fascinated by his mandala building skills as she was by being able to talk to him-about anything. It was a great experience for her.

Lama Tentzin was able to return in 2005 and 2006 and once again, the kids watched and listened in wonder as he built the mandala and talked with the them about peace and compassion. As he prayed in his native tounge, the kids were mesmerized-and so were the adults.

As it turned out, not all of the parents were as thrilled with this experience as I was. They felt that the school was supporting a religious agenda that was not to their liking. I don't know if Lama Tentzin will return this year.

I was angry when I found out about this-really angry. I wondered how people could NOT want to expose their kids to other ways of thinking and doing things. In a world that revolves around material things and a 'keep up with the Jones's' mentality, wouldn't the gentle message that 'things' aren't as important as respect and compassion for our fellow man be universal?

There have been other similar incidents that have occurred and, frankly, surprised me. But I have stopped being angry. That never has done me any good.

I am trying to live the message of compassion that Lama Tentzin was intent on teaching us. Compassion for the people who are so wrapped up in their own agendas taht they can't see the universality of messages unless they are delivered in a certain way. I have compassion for the children who are missing out on a very special experience. I have compassion for my child who has to live in a world where the sheer beauty of something like a mandala can get lost in people's fear.

I am also trying to be compassionate with myself-which is the hardest lesson of all.

So as Thanksgiving approaches, I am thankful for the message of the mandala.

With respect,
Deb

All Chinese people live in Chinatown.....right?

2007-11-15T08:02:00.000-08:00

I don't always like to admit that my seven year-old teaches me important lessons on a regular basis. After all, I am the parent-shouldn't I be omnipotent?

Apparently, not.

The other day, my gal was standing with three boys watching an adult take a tennis lesson. The boys began speculating about the man's ethnicity. After testing out several theories, one boy said, "he must be Chinese." His buddy replied, "nah, it can't be all Chinese people live in Chinatown."

I was about to come unglued when my daughter calmly said, "That is not true. All Chinese people don't live in Chinatown." The other boys looked at her, like she had given them winning lottery numbers and said to their friend, "she's right, that doesn't make any sense. People can live anywhere."

We talked about the exchange in the car on the way home. Showing my anger at the entire situation, I asked her why she didn't tell the boy that his comment was just plain stupid. "Mom, calling him stupid isn't the right thing to do. Stupid is a bad word and he wouldn't listen after that."

Wow!

I actually learned two important lessons from her yesterday:
1: A simple factual, calm response to ridiculous statements can be more powerful than an angry, 'in your face' response (which unfortunately is my style.
2: As much as we want to make folks understand that bias and bullying are learned behaviors, our responsibility as parents means that we have to equip our kids with the tools to handle things on their own. At the end of the day, our job is to make ourselves obsolete.

Sometimes, it takes our children to remind us and/or teach us the very lessons that we are trying to teach them.

What did you learn from your kids today?
With Respect,
Deb

Is global climate change the cataylst for global respect?

2007-11-12T06:05:00.000-08:00

It seems that more and more people are 'going green'. CNN traded in the red in its logo for green and NBC turned its multi-colored peacock into shades of green. Julia Roberts' new house is green, too.

Could global warming (or global climate change, if you perfer) be our world's common enemy? Can a cohesive fight against this phenomenon be the catalyst needed to get people focused on things other than racial, religious, cultural etc differences that are the cause of so many conflicts. Could fighting a real enemy be the ticket to both saving the planet and humanity?

There's nothing like a common enemy to join people from disparate points of view together. For centuries, unlikely allies have been able to cast aside their differences to combat a mutual enemy. Can we do it again?

Selfishly, I hope the world will rally and rise to fight global warming-the real impact won't likely effect me dramatically. Frankly, even if global warming is a bunch of b.s., the potential for all people in the world to join together is something that I would look forward too.

How can we engage our kids in this global fight? Like everything, it starts at home. What you do to be 'green' will be your kids' role model. You can expand from there.

For us, we are working on reducing our carbon footprint. Thankfully, my daughter attends a school that is very committed to environmental responsibility, so she is getting information and examples from school and from home.

Let's fight the common enemy, save the planet and save ourselves-one step at a time. Will you take that step today?

With Respect,
Deb

If you don't know Jaiya John-you should!

2007-11-08T04:56:00.000-08:00

Jaiya John is simply incredible.

If you haven't read"Black Baby;White Hands-a view from the crib"-run, don't walk to your nearest bookseller! The book is a poignant autobiography exploring adoption, racism and racial identity that everyone-connected to adoption or not-can relate to in some way.

John's latest book,"Reflection Pond" is now available and is also a 'must read' for anyone interested in the welfare of children-all children.

In a world where millions of children-for various reasons-are separated from their original family (and maybe culture)we are all forced to consider how we can empower children to heal. The book challenges adults to serve children and get involved in their healing.

In addition, John announced the 2nd Annual Foster Youth Poetry Contest. Open to children from 14-24 it is an opportunity for children who have come through 'the system' to share their experiences with all of us. Contest deadline is JANUARY 22, 2008.

For more contest details and entry guidelines, check out Soul Water Rising.
With respect,
Deb

It it looks like a bully, acts like a bully and sounds like a bully-its a bully!

2007-11-06T08:40:00.000-08:00

I was recently involved-peripherally-in a conversation about bullying. The conversation started when a parent asked if a particular incident-related to her kindergarten age daughter- was bullying, a big deal and if it should be brought up with the teachers.

Several things come to mind when reflecting on bits and pieces of the conversation:

1. Bullying is all about POWER-the power hurt-either by words or actions
another person.
2. No one should ever have to put up with bullying of any kind-EVER.
3. Bullying behavior has to be stopped IMMEDIATELY.
4. Never hesitate to bring in your child’s school and/or teachers.
5. Bullying behavior HAS to be addressed when kids are young-by the
Time they get to third grade, much of the bullying behavior is already
entrenched.
6. If you want you child to “tell” on someone who is a bully, is being bullied or if your child is the victim-you need to model that behavior and TELL someone in a position to help you sort it out.

The other thing that jumped out was the parents’ concern that they would be making an ‘issue’ out of nothing and that maybe the incidents weren’t serious enough. Of course, we all should look before we leap to conclusions, but generally if it looks, sounds, and smells like bullying it probably is-and it won’t go away by itself. Noone, ever, should have to be bullied-and even if it seems "minor" to you it has to be stopped.

As a parent there is plenty you can do to help your kids:

Make sure they are exposed to as many different cultures, races, traditions etc as you can manage. If your social group or community is homogeneous, then you will have to make an extra effort-but books, games and crafts do the trick-especially for young kids. You can also debunk stereotypes in the media with your child. The other day, a commercial for a remote-control helicopter flashed on the TV screen. The only kids playing with it were boys. Of course, many girls would also like that toy, but by only using boys the advertiser reinforces the notion that girls wouldn’t like ‘boy’ toys. When you see things like that-point them out to your child. We know that there are plenty of opportunities to evaluate the media.

Start early-the bullies do. In fact, the earlier that kids learn to appreciate and accept others for who they are, the less likely they will exhibit bullying behavior-as a bully, a victim or a witness. Unfortunately, it is difficult to believe or understand that bullying starts when kids are young-around kindergarten.

Do something. Say something. Teach your children to stand up for themselves and for others. Remind them that ‘telling’ isn’t tattling. You need to make it ok for kids to tell you what’s up. Then you need to take action.

Most importantly, don’t second guess your instincts and remember that prevention is a whole lot easier than dealing with a full-blown problem.

With Respect-and hope for a bully-free future,
Deb

Why is that auction "Chinese?"

2007-11-05T09:18:00.000-08:00

That was the first question my daughter asked yesterday as we were wound our way through our church's "Chinese" auction.

"Do they auction Chinese people or Chinese things?" she asked.

The origins of the "Chinese auction" aren't clear, but I am willing to bet the rent that the origins aren't in China. Conventional wisdom cites a a wealthy American socialite from the early 1900's believed to reside in NY as the creator. According to legend, she was looking for a new and unique idea for charity fundraisers. After struggling to find a new concept she hit on a "Chinese auction". What is the Chinese part you might ask? Well, apparently this wealthy woman believed that making the auction "Chinese" added intrigue, mysticism and mystery to an ordinary event-reflecting the way that many Americans viewed Chinese people at the time.

Fast-forward 100+ years.

Do we still need to put the word "Chinese" in a description? Isn't defining a person or event with this label reinforcing the stereotype of anything Chinese being a little bit odd or off kilter? What is the first thing you think of when you hear the term "Chinese" auction-confusion and chaos or a unique fund-raising event?

This type of racism is not limited to Chinese-consider the "Mexican" standoff-a gunfight where no shots were fired - a Mexican standoff - was inferior and thereby "Mexican." Morris Dictionary of Word and Phrase Origins" by William and Mary Morris (HarperCollins), New York, 1977.

What about "Dutch treat?" Isn't this a stab at the stereotype that the Dutch are cheap-and would make you spring for your own meal rather than pay for your dinner?

Don't these kinds of phrases-no matter who they are directed at-put the speaker 'above' others making the others inherently inferior?

Some argue that if we have to look up the origins of these kinds of racist terms, then the racism is gone. Do you believe that?

I sure don't and neither did my seven-year old-who likened the Chinese 'auction' to the enslavement of African-Americans in the 19th century.

We often scratch our heads about what we can do about racism. Well, here's something you can do right now-rename your 'Chinese' auction-or don't patronize one that won't change the name. Don't tell your kids that you are 'going Dutch'. Don't use any of the 'common' ethnic phrases-ever.

Take action-you're kids will see that you mean business and it will make a difference.

With Respect,
Deb

Olympic Torch Bearers-almost 100% right! Congratulations to Jenny Bowen!

2007-11-02T05:04:00.000-07:00

I am sufficiently recovered from my Halloween hangover to resume normal activities....but this year it was just too much Halloween. I am glad that is over and I am not yet ready to face the holiday madness during this brief reprieve.

As I 'came to' this morning I saw that American Jenny Bowen the Executive Director of the Half the Sky Foundation (dedicated to the children in China's orphanages)will be carrying the Olympic torch for 200 meters in Beijing at the start of the Olympic Games this summer. It is not certain, yet, whether the children will be allowed to run with her, but stay tuned. Jenny has proven that NOTHING is impossible.

What could be better than Jenny running? The composition of the rest of the runners, that's what.

Joining Jenny are fellow expats: Marcos Torres of the Philippines, Werner Ebel of Germany, Meena Barot of India, Yoshitoshi Mizuya of Japan, Luis Hong-Sanchez of Colombia, Yury Ilyakhin of Russia and British-Venezuelan Deirdre Smyth.

The eight submitted essay about why they loved China and then the international public went to work and voted for their favorite. American Jenny Bowen recieved the most votes.

While the selection does foster the sense of international community and the Olympic spirit, there is one glaring omission in the runners-where are the black people-African or otherwise?

One has to wonder at such an obvious omission. Maybe there aren't many/any African expats living in China, or maybe they didn't garner enough votes. Or maybe the Chinese didn't believe that they could represent 'the real China' to the rest of the world.

Whatever the reason, I wish that all people could be represented. The global 'we' got 90% right....maybe next time we can reach 100%.

Have a great weekend. Don't forget to send those PJ's to San Diego!
With Respect,
Deb

What's wrong with this costume?

2007-10-30T06:58:00.001-07:00

A lot! According to wrong www.tolerance.com "the "Indian" get-up prevails each year as culture-turned-costume. But did you know few Native Americans wore buckskin and headbands and even fewer wore them together? Did you know "war paint" and feathers carry religious meaning and were never worn by Native American children?"

Wow! Who knew?

My daughter left the house the other night in high spirits dressed as Hannah Montana...and she looked great and she thought so, too. By the time she came home, however, she wasn't so thrilled to be Hannah Montana. Someone at the party told her she didn't look like Hannah Montana (like anyone but Hannah Montana would look like Hannah Montana).

She asked if she could have another costume for her school "Halloween Runway" and I agreed. Then we sat down and looked at costumes online. As we were looking, I would make suggestions-and she would say, "no, I don't think so." It finally dawned on me that the models in the costumes were mostly BLONDE-like Hannah Montana-and my daughter knew she 'didn't look like that'.

She would stop and consider costumes modeled by brunettes-"Indian Princesses" were consistently dark haired-but she knows that Native Americans rarely if ever dressed like the costumes displayed and she thought that was "making fun" of Native Americans (YEAH!).

At the end of the day, she settled on a Renaissance period costume (modeled by a dark-haired girl, of course).

The entire episode made me realize that something a 'simple' and fun-spirited thing like a Halloween costume can send messages we aren't even aware that we send. And unfortunately, the messages aren't always positive.

They ask you to consider the difference between 'scary' costumes and violent ones. They ask you to consider whether or not your 'historical' costume, like the "Indian Princess" furthers mis-information about historical figures. They ask you to consider if the costume furthers the notion in our culture that 'blonde is beautiful', which makes a statement about who/what is beautiful and what isn't. It was not a coincidence that the majority of costume models we looked at were blonde.

These things may seem a bit silly or overly politically correct-but unless you have experienced bias, racism (or any other ism)it really isn't our call.

So when you are out trick-or-treating, take a look at the costumes and judge for yourself. Then, when things settle down talk to your kids about what you observed and ask them how they would feel is they were Native American and no one understood their culture or traditions. Ask them about the "Mental Patient" or Hannibal Lecter costume effect on reinforcing our fears of people who struggle with mental illness.

By asking them about how they would feel in another person's place, you open the door to conversations and actions that show how you are combating 'isms' one at a time. As always, you are the best example.

Happy Halloween,
With Respect,
Deb

Help kids in San Diego

2007-10-29T07:35:00.000-07:00

Please donate on pair of new pajamas to the kids in the San Diego area who have lost so much.

Send on pair of NEW pjs to:

SCRIPPS Hospital
Attn: Pajama Drive
9888 Genesee Ave
Mailstop LJ36
La Jolla, CA 92037

Please include a short note and a picture of your child.

Please do it today!

With Respect
Deb

Fear of MRAS or Each Other!

2007-10-29T07:17:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was one of the first crisp fall days in New York and so we headed to the Bronx Zoo's annual "BOO at the Zoo" event.

We had a blast-as we always do at the Zoo. Magic shows, story-telling, sing-a-longs, hay rides and trick-or-treating were just some of the activities.

As the day drew to a close, we wandered in to a tent where John Farrell was hosting a sing-a-long. Towards the end of his performance, he invited all the kids to come up to the front of the room and join hands-which they did. When he invited the adults in the audience to do the same thing-we couldn't/wouldn't/didn't join hands.

We kind of looked at the person who was sitting next to us and quickly turned away, putting our hands in our laps. There was no hand-holding on our end.

The kids, on the other hand, were having a ball-clasping the hand of the kid next to them without a second thought.

The difference was remarkable.

Now, the adults may have been fearful of germs-after all MRAS is making headlines. And it is scary stuff! Maybe we were uncomfortable with sharing ourselves with a stranger. But maybe we were somehow afraid of each other. This was a very mixed crowd-highly diverse as you would expect in a borough of New York City. Maybe we were afraid-not consciously-that someone elses ethnicity or race would rub off on us.

Whatever the reason, while kids joyfully and without hesitation grabbed anothers hand, the adults were uncomfortable and suspicious.

I wish that the kids' lack of bias would rub off on us so that we might truly be able to embrace others-without hesitation or judgement. But I do have faith in our kids ability to look past differences and thrive in a multi-cultural world-if we don't screw it up.

With respect,
Deb

Chanel, Gucci, Louis Vuitton go to school!

2007-10-26T10:39:00.000-07:00

In yesterday's Wall Street Journal, there was an article on the front page of the Personal Journal about the relationship between fashion labels and bullying.

Not only do the kids need to have designer clothes to be safe from teasing from other girls-they have to be the right designers! I guess I wasn't surprised that designer clothes were important statements for kids-I caved in and bought my daughter a pair of UGG boots when the knock off pair didn't make the grade. What surprised me is the hierarchy of designer duds.

Of course, this in not being helped by the fact that more and more designers are -targeting young girls and girl-to-girl bullying is growing at an alarmingly fast rate. One-third of middle school girls surveyed answered "yes" when they were asked if they had been bullied due to the clothes that they wear.

Many of us use our clothing to reflect how we see ourselves, but as adults we are much less affected (hopefully) by the criticism of others. Many of us have been able to find our sense of style-eclectic, traditional, hip or whatever and live with it.

Our daughters don't have the luxury of the same point of view. What they wear matters-even in elementary school and becomes a point of differentiation and potential ridicule.

While the brain pool contemplates why fashion is so important to girls' identities parents are faced with the consequences of fashion bullying.

Beyond lobbying your school for a uniform (a parents dream and a fashionista girl's nightmare) there are some things you can do:
1. acknowledge that fashion bullying exists-especially for girls

2. Look at the images of fashion in the media-from Angelina's mom and daughter
matching Chanel bags to Lourdes' (Madonna's girl) Juicy Couture sweatsuit.
See what happens to the children who aren't dressed in designer duds-what
is their race, socio-economic background, etc. Do you and your daughter see any patterns?

3. If it is feasible, get a few designer pieces and help your child
accessorize the pieces she has. It is said that the women in France-arguably among the chicest in the world have a few fabulous outfits and know how to tie a scarf 100 ways.

4. help your child develop her own sense of fashion-what looks good on her
how does she feel when she wears certain clothes, capitalize on what
she thinks she looks good in.

5. Set an example by showing your daughter that you are comfortable with
your style-whatever it is. If you "need" designer clothes just because
they are designer clothes, then this might be a good time to look at that.

And always talk and listen to your kids-ask them how they feel and be supportive. A statement like "I am sorry that you feel that way" goes a lot farther than advice to ignore feelings. "Don't worry about that" or "You shouldn't feel that way" are some of the most self-esteem deflating statements in the world.

Remember, fashion bullying is alive and well-just like all other types of bullying and its consequences are just as real, too.

Have a great weekend.

With respect,
Deb

Thursday is book day!

2007-10-25T07:46:00.000-07:00

This one is an oldie but a goodie. In fact, after a recent teasing incident this book was read to all the kids in my daughter's school-followed by a discussion. This book does double duty-it is fun, has beautiful illustrations and packs a powerful message without hitting you over the head.

Take a look at

Giraffes Can't Dance

and share it with your kids, your kids' schools and anyone who will listen.!

With respect
Deb

Mom, are you gay?

2007-10-24T05:08:00.000-07:00

Remember the days when we used the word 'gay' we meant happy? My friend Gay does!

But when my daughter asked, "What is gay", I had to think for a minute about the answer. My daughter tends to ask me these types of profound questions when we are in the car, so thankfully, I could buy a little time while I 'concentrated' on driving.

Having gotten over my urge to jump right in, I asked her what she thought it meant.
She replied when two women love each other like they were married. Pretty smart, I thought.

"Can boys be gay," she asked? That was an easy one-I just repeated her answer.

Things got a bit trickier quickly. She wanted to know if she was gay because she like the girls in her class (she likes the boys, too but she seemed to have forgotten that). Hmmmm....how to explain that one. We talked about what married people share-homes, family-building, committment and love and why that was different than having friends whom you love in a different way. Then I added that if she is gay then as she gets older she will have feelings-like marriage-to other girls.

I was really congratulating myself for some of these answers. It seemed to me that I was answering the questions she was asking, not giving her more information than she wanted and using her own knowledge as a jumping off point. Not to mention the lack of emotion in the discussion-it was clearly a 'different strokes, for differnt folks' kind of conversation.

Until we got to her final question-"Mom, are you gay"? I nearly drove off the side of the road when she asked that question and really had to stop myself from shouting, "NO I AM NOT GAY". Thankfully, I managed to answer her calmly with a simple 'no, I am not".

As I thought about this it started to bother me. I have many, many gay friends in my life-and I am glad that I do. It never has mattered to me who they slept with. I am supportive of their lifestyles and choices and don't think twice about what being gay might actually mean to them. How shallow is that?

And what about my horror about being pegged as gay? What is that about? I have to admit that I am not too thrilled with my reaction, but I am pleased that we were able to have a calm conversation that presented my daughter with the facts-as I know them to be-and that I was able to reign in my emotional response to her final question.

I truly believe that being gay is totally ok. Now I know that for whatever reason it is only ok for other people. That realization is definately the stuff that bias is made of and is MUCH harder to keep from passing on to our kids because it can be hidden deep within ourselves.

So remember, when your kids ask about something as innocent as 'what is gay' take a deep breathe and see how you feel-really feel-and act accordingly. At that point the choice is yours.

With Respect:
Deb

Who is Piyush?

2007-10-23T04:57:00.000-07:00

Piyush Jindal was just elected Governor of Louisiana. Educated at Brown University, he is a Rhodes Scholar and the winner of many prestigious awards. When he was elected to Congress he was in his early thirties and may have been one of the youngest people ever elected to Congress.

Do you know who Piyush is? You may know him better as Bobby Jindal.

Ok, strike one..

When Piyush was a youngster-pre-school age-his classmates renamed him Bobby-and the nickname stuck. While we can be grateful on his behalf that the nickname wasn't derogatory in and of itself, it may reveal the desire that he may have had to be more "American" and his contemporaries desire to-at best, make their lives easier by giving him a common name, or-at worst, consciously or subconsciously showing their biases and bigotry for people of color.

You might think that this arbitrary re-naming is something that has gone the way of the horse and buggy-but you'd be wrong. Just recently a Yahoo group that I peruse spent time and energy discussing a situation where a teacher had requested that a child "Americanize" his name because it was just "too difficult to pronounce." Yikes!

Even thinking of that makes my blood boil. Who can't take a few minutes to learn the correct pronunciation of someones name.

Unfortunately, in most of the coverage I have heard or read about Bobby Jindal, the lead is always that he has 'broken the color barrier', or that he is a first generation Indian-American who's parents came to the US from the Punjab region of India.

Strike two!

Bobby Jindal is truly a remarkable man-educated at Brown University, he is a Rhodes Scholar and has won several prestigious awards. When he was elected in Louisiana, he was already quite accomplished. He helped the University of Louisiana expand the number of endowed chairs and his policies were key in increasing the University's retention and graduation rates. And that is just the beginning.

While his politics are a little (ok, a lot) more conservative than my own, I can't help but be impressed by his accomplishments-none of which have anything to do with the color of his skin, his heritage, or where his parents were born.

Now, Bobby aka Piyush, may not be upset or offended by his renaming and the focus on his race and background, it would be nice if we could evolve to a place where the focus was on the man and his accomplishments. All of our accomplishments-Bobby Jindal's included-represent our 'whole person' and surely race, ethnicity, heritage form a part of who we are. But it isn't all that we are.

Like Dumbledore who was a kind, intelligent etc, etc who happened to be gay, shouldn't we talk about Bobby Jindal in the same way-a young, up-and-coming, newly elected Governor of Louisiana who is of Indian descent?

Wouldn't you want that for your kids?

So let's be careful with our own 'leads'-especially around our kids. By leading with a person physical, racial or ethnic background we send the subtle (or not too subtle) message that these things are the most important factors about a person.

I don't know about you, but I want my kids judged by her abilities and her soul FIRST. Her heritage is a wonderful part of that, but it isn't the only part. If we want our kids to be able to live and work with people of all shapes, colors, sizes etc, then we need to model that behavior-every day.

I almost forgot-congratulations Piyush Jindal!

With respect,
Deb

We've made a breakthrough-thanks, Albus!

2007-10-22T05:55:00.000-07:00

Well, who woulda thunk it?

JK Rowlings recently revealed that the beloved headmaster of Harry Potter's Hogwarts, the late Albus Dumbledore, was gay! According to Rowlings, the signs were there all along-if one read between the lines. The object of Dumbledore's affections-his boyhood friend and rival wizard Gellert Grindelwald.

According to Rowling, the reaction has been mostly supportive, leading many to believe that we have turned the corner on our ability to accept a person's sexual orientation-and not let it get in the way of his/her other qualities. Is it possible that the smoke has cleared and we are able to see the real person-who happens to be gay?

Maybe.

We are certainly a long way from the fury over the sexual orientation of one of the Teletubbies and from 2005 when PBS decided not to distribute an episode of "Postcards From Buster" that had been criticized by Education Secretary Margaret Spellings for including lesbian characters.

No matter what your sexual orientation, the acceptance of Dumbledore as a kind, caring, dedicated and talented person-who happens to be gay-is a major step forward in respecting and celebrating all cultures, choices and 'abilities'. All of our children will be the beneficiaries as this new-and hopefully-lasting attitude removes one spoke in the wheel of bias.

Let's try not to screw it up with our own biases.

With respect,
Deb

"I went to a Chinese restaurant...."

2007-10-16T07:32:00.000-07:00

That harmless phrase was the beginning of one of those common school-yard clapping songs-the 21st century version of "Miss Mary Mack"-that my Asian-born daughter came home singing the other day. I didn't think too much about it until I realized that the song came complete with gestures-one of which involved pulling the sides of the eyes into a long slit (aka Chinese eyes).

I hemmed and hawed about what to do. I felt that this gesture was disrespectful and could lead to other stereotyping and teasing, but since I sometimes go off half-baked I decided to cool my jets for a bit.

The results of yesterday's poll swayed me. All of the voters indicated that they would take some action-evenly split between intervening immediately if their child was bullied or helping the child deal with the situation and then intervening if the child needed further assistance.

I opted for contacting the school and the teacher. Thankfully, their take on the incident was similar to mine-not appropriate, disrespectful and must end-and the teacher took immediate action in the classroom and the school principal readily acknowledged that the problem was not likely isolated to the third-grade and they would be taking action school-wide.

Later in the day, I got an email from the teacher. She had spoken to some of the kids involved-none of them had really listened to the words or understood the implications of the gestures. Her comment-when do we learn what the words mean?

The answer, I think, is "when we teach them what it means". My daughter was furious that I went to her teacher-she said she wasn't upset by the song or the gesture. I had to explain to her that both were disrespectful and inappropriate and that I was standing up for what I felt was right-and the school was supportive.

My daughter learned two valuable lessons-1) The importance of standing up for what you believe-even if it doesn't effect you directly and 2)why that particular song and gesture were inappropriate. With luck she will begin to evaluate other things with a more critical eye-asking herself and her peers to be more considerate of others and figuring out that is never ok to make fun of the way anyone looks-ever.

These are lessons that need to be taught. They don't happen automatically. So, if you are parenting on autopilot-as we all do-take a minute and listen to what your kids are singing, what they are saying to their friends and others-and make sure that you like what you hear-or do something about it.

With respect,
Deb

Run, Jenny, Run!

2007-10-15T07:12:00.000-07:00

Jenny Bowen got the most amount of votes in the race to carry the Olympic torch in Beijing in 2008.

Of course, the final decision will be made by a committee in China but it is pretty amazing that Jenny and her organization, Half the Sky, have made such an impression. If, in fact, that Jenny and eight kids from the orphanages that Half the Sky supports gets to run, the impact for the kids in orphanages in China will be enormous.

While many people in and around adoption from China continue to fret over the length of the wait for their children and the implications of the new requirements for parents, the Half the Sky Foundation is focused on the children who remain in China's orphanages. They supply much needed support to the children and the facilities who are waiting for their 'forever families' including 'Granny's' to love and hold them, schools, and playgrounds.

Jenny Bowen and her team have done a remarkable job at working with the government in China to take care of the kids in China.

Maybe if Jenny and the kids do run, it will not only raise awareness for the children in China, but for kids in need all over the world.

Whatever happens, my hat's off to Jenny and the people that have made this happen. I am proud to be a part of it.

With Respect,
Deb

Friday Fun! Will the real Hannah Montana please stand up!

2007-10-12T06:19:00.001-07:00

Halloween has become a BIG holiday. The Wall Street Journal reported that Americans will spend over $3 Billion (yes, billion) on Halloween costumes, decorations and other Halloween paraphernalia.

And if my unscientific survey of elementary school girls is any indication it seems that a significant portion of that money will be used to procure Hannah Montana costumes.

I got a chuckle the other day, when my daughter and her friends (all of Asian decent) discovered they were all going to be Hannah for Halloween. The girls starting laughing as the each modeled Hannah's signature long blonde wig and 'became' Hannah. One girl said, "a Chinese Hannah Montana?" They'll never believe this."

I am hoping that we will be able to get a photo of the Hannah's at the annual Halloween party...I am sure Hannah would be proud.

Have a great weekend.

With Respect,
Deb

Thursday is book day!

2007-10-11T08:13:00.000-07:00

October 11, 1492 is the actual day that Columbus landed in the New World and this book is a great choice for young readers who are interested in history (or readers you want to get interested in history!)

Rather than the usual pandering to the Columbus myth, this book puts kids right in the story asking them to imagine the excitement and pitfalls of sailing with Columbus. The first line of the book immediately draws the reader in with a description of Columbus's life as a ten-year old dreamer. From there, each chapter asks the reader to consider some of the least 'romantic' aspect of exploration, like, 'how would you pay for it', 'how would you prepare your fleet', 'how would you steer', 'what would you do if you lose hope', 'could you survive on shore' and 'could you get home safely'.

This book will make would-be explorers stop and think about the realities of exploration as well as let them gain insight into some of the challenges that Columbus faced.

With Respect,
Deb

What Columbus can teach us about updating our thinking.

2007-10-10T09:41:00.000-07:00

On Monday, people in 33 of our 50 United States celebrated Columbus Day. Of course, this immediately begs the question "what happened to the other 17 states?" Do they know something we don't? Or is it purely a bureaucratic oversight?

Not knowing the real answer, I started to look into Christopher Columbus's story. I had grown up singing "Columbus sailed the ocean blue in fourteen hundred and ninety-two, thinking that Columbus had, in fact, discovered American.

As it turns out, Columbus 'discovered' land that was inhabited by hundreds of thousands of native people that had arrived in what is now the Americas, around 800 BCE via the Bering Strait. Not only that, but Columbus made four trips to the New World,was arrested in his own colony and sent back to Spain in disgrace.

His fourth and final trip brought him within 9 miles of his goal of reaching the Pacific Ocean to get to China and India, but his stubbornness and arrogance caused him to turn around. He didn't believe the native people knew an overland route to the Pacific.

Columbus was greedy and an incredibly bad leader-his own men and the indigenous people couldn't stand him. He died broke and forgotten in 1506.

Wow! Who knew? I had always held Columbus in the highest esteem-a hero even. But faced with additional information, I had to revise my position. Columbus, far from being a hero was a failure and by all accounts a miserable guy to be around. Not only did he not find a trade route to the "Indies", and fail to find the amount of gold he promised Ferdinand and Isabella, he was imprisoned in his own colony and was an all around jerk!

Of course, he was a brilliant sailor and navigator and his contribution to our world is enormous, but at the very least Columbus was a complex dichotomy. Maybe even a bit of an enigma.

With this new information, my bias about Columbus and his endeavors-which up until now were positive-have shifted. I can not just accept the information I was taught as a kid. I must face the fact that there is more to Columbus than meets the eye.

Hmmmm, this sounds familiar doesn't it. We develop biases based on data that may or may not be accurate and we own them. Ok, we are human. The question is what do we do when faced with additional and/or conflicting information. Do we rigidly hold onto your old beliefs or do you modify based on the new information?

I am suggesting that we teach our children to evaluate their biases and beliefs as new information comes their way. When it comes to the biases that can lead to bullying, rigidity is not something we want to promote.

So, if an when my daughter comes home humming a tune about Columbus, I will tell her the entire story-the good and the bad-and let her make her own judgement about Columbus.

With Respect,
Deb

PS: Max got out within hours of my triumphant announcement that I had fooled him. Back to the drawing board.

Lessons from Max

2007-10-09T07:13:00.000-07:00

Sometimes lessons can come from the most unusual places!

I can sometimes feel a bit like trying to change the course of a river. I look around me and wonder, "am I really making progress", or "can we really make our future bully-free?"

Yes, there are times that I want to give up and let it be someone elses problem.

But then, something happens.

What happened this time was Max.

Max is our 2 year-old beagle-poodle mix-we call him our designer dog gone bad as Max was in a puppy mill waiting with his head on the chopping block. Max is one determined dog. He likes to roam. I have spent more days and more money trying to keep Max safe and in the yard. Yet Max always finds a way out.

Oh, I can keep him in for a while but eventually he finds another escape hatch and I have to find out where it is and then how to patch it up so that he can't escape.

You have to hand it to the dog, he just doesn't give up. There are times when I think he is smarter than I am-or maybe he is just focused on one objective-exploring the neighborhood.

Today, I found his latest path to freedom and spent some time putting up yet another piece of fencing. So far, he appears to be flummoxed, but I know that someday soon he will be visiting his friends on the other side. He just will keep looking and sniffing until he is successful.

This lesson from Max couldn't have come at a better time for me. It can get tiring and frustrating to carry the bully-free future flag.

But like Max, I am going to keep looking and sniffing-focusing on one child, one school and one community at a time. I know that we can successfully eliminate bias and bullying.

Won't you join me?

Where do your lessons come from?

With Respect,
Deb

Money, Money, Money-its a rich man's world!

2007-10-08T09:52:00.000-07:00

I was watching Larry King interview Suzy Orman. They covered a wide range of topics from the mortgage meltdown, to consumer credit card debt and how to accumulate wealth. Larry King asked Suzy how much money did one have to have to be truly wealthy-able to live their lifestyle without touching the money.

Her answer-$100 million dollars. Yes, that is right. $100 million.

I remember talking with my friend Bob Grossman in the 80's about his plan to accumulate $1 million and live off of the $80k in interest. Bob did accumulate his million-but doesn't feel that 80k is enough to meet his needs.

So, where does this leave those of us who haven't accumulated 1 million let alone $100 million. We used to be called the 'middle class'-the people squeezed in between the rich and the poor. We used to represent the bulk of the US population. Yet we are an endangered species. In fact, the Wall Street Journal reported that the next generation of Americans will be the first generation that can't expect to live better than their parents!

As the middle class is declining in the United States, we are seeing the creation of yet another divide between people. And we can see the consequences of this schism in other countries right now. And it ain't pretty.

We live in a non-middle class area. For me, I could care less. But my daughter has been asking me lately if we are rich? I say, of course, we have are rich in love and laughter and family-we have food, are healthy and have a roof over our heads. What she really wants to know where we stack up in the wealth area compared to her friends-they kids are talking about money and the lack thereof in the third grade. Her friends have moms that don't work, that take vacations to Florida at the drop of a hat. Her friends take tennis lesson, horseback riding lessons, piano, violin, and what ever other lessons their parents believe will make them 'better people. To my daughter these kids have everything.

But, when her friends do come here they have fun and alway wish that their parents spent time with them doing things-raking and jumping in leaves, catching butterflys, baking and other 'middle class' activities. Apple picking in the fall, picking berries in the summer, planting a garden, walking our own dogs, shoveling our own walks, putting money in the piggy bank, donating to local charities and helping wherever and how ever we can. We are just like millions of people all over the country. But, if Suzy Orman and the Wall Street Journal are to be believed, then we are an endangered species-our kids will either be rich or poor.

Given those dire predictions,how do we instill the values that made our country great in our children-a respect for money, the value of earning a dollar, saving vs. spending, and respect for people who don't have as much money as they might.

Money hasn't always been considered an "ism" like racism, sexism ageism etc, but we are getting to the point where we are going to have to face the reality that our kids are going to have another 'ism' to deal with.

Like all other 'isms' the time to start helping your kids understand that money-having some or having none doesn't define the value a person can bring to their lives is right now.

With Respect
Deb

Thursday's book on Friday!

2007-10-05T03:10:00.000-07:00

At the Mouth of the Luckiest River is an oldie but a goodie. The book was first published over three decades ago, but is remarkably free of negative Native American stereotypes. The book tells the story of an Athabascan Indian boy and his determination to keep the peace between his tribe and the Eskimos. The young man must confront his tribe's medicine man-one of the most powerful members of the tribe-to stand up for what he believes is right.

This book may be a bit hard to find, but like many classics is worth the effort.

Have a good weekend.

With respect,
Deb

Ethnic Role Models-the Reprise!

2007-10-03T05:39:00.001-07:00

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about the importance of ethic role models for children by relating how my daughter responded to receiving a doll-Wan Ling. Some people thought that it was a shame that my daughter's self-esteem was buoyed by a look-alike doll and not from her inner strength-or my parenting!

In response to one of the poll questions, one person wrote about a friend who's nephew has down syndrome child:I think not seeing images of kids like himself--I think this also goes for physically challenged --in movies, cartoons, and especially animated movies (his favorite) really does a disservice to him and other children who are only use to seeing images that look like only like themselves.

But perhaps the most important comment came from an astute 12 year old girl who joined her family from China via adoption from China. Melody was responding to the comments made about American Girl's new "Asian" doll, Ivy Ling-a sidekick to another American Girl doll named Julie:

My Mom bought me the Julie books and the Ivy book several weeks ago. I like that there are some Asian influences in the books, especially, the one called, "Happy New Year, Julie", but I found that the majority of the books barely expressed the fact that Ivy was Chinese. Some of the books barely mentioned Ivy at all. I would like for AG to come out with a historical, Chinese-American doll that is not just a side-kick.

This is not about all of us looking alike. And, it is true that some Asian characteristics are more prominent in some people. In fact, Ivy looks great as a bi-racial doll. It would be fine if one of her parents was Caucasian and the other Chinese. But remember, Ivy Ling is not a bi-racial doll. She has two full, Chinese parents. All of the adopted Chinese-American children that I have ever met have certain characteristics such as almond-shaped eyes, and I would like a doll to look like that.

It is easy for us to make judgements about what others-who may be different than-us feel should be important. But until we walk in their shoes, we have to listen to what matters to the people directly effected. Until we can do that, it is all too easy to pass off ethnic role models and people-first language as political correctness on steroids.

In the case of ethnic role models, it seems that kids feel that they need more.

I hope people listen.

With Respect,
Deb

The Saga of the Olympic Torch-Should Jenny withdraw?

2007-10-02T05:44:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I voted for Jenny Bowen, the founder of Half the Sky-an organization dedicated to making the lives of children living in orphanages better-to carry the Olympic Torch.

Jenny, an American, lives and works in Beijing. She said she will run with eight Chinese children who are orphans.

On many levels this is a wonderful thing-it raises awareness for the kids who are left behind in China's orphanages, the publicity could help Half the Sky raise money which could help more children, its a great image of international co-operation and it is great showcase for adoption.

Today, I read some of the comments on the site. There are some people that think Jenny is 'cheating'. They question how she could have gotten so many votes in a short period of time. Indeed, her votes nearly doubled in less than 24 hours and it appears she is closing in on the leader.

This is a perfect example of the power of the internet-adoption groups-representing thousands of families formed via adoption-all over the world are being rallied to Jenny's side.

Of course, in many cases the rank and file Chinese citizen is not privvy to groups, blogs and other lightning fast communciation tools. It is easy to see where the idea that Jenny was cheating could come from.

So, is Jenny's selection really a good thing? I am certainly not as sure as I was yestday. I wonder how we would react if a Chinese citizen had carried the torch in Atlanta or Salt Lake City? I suspect there would be outrage that one of 'our own' got supplanted by someone who was not a citizen. Should Jenny win, what impact will it really have on international relations? on adoption?

The Chinese have a long tradition of saving face. How will they handle the international public scrutiny on their adoption policies. Not only will the world comment on what happens to China's children, but the Chinese themselves will be made aware of just how many kids are leaving the country or languishing in orphanages. Much of this information has been kept from rank and file Chinese citizens.

So, like most complex questions there are positives and negatives. I know which way I am leaning. Maybe the eight kids representing all the children in the orphanages should carry the torch...

What do you think?

With Respect,
Deb

Mid-Autumn Moon Festival and the Olympic Torch Relay!

2007-10-01T04:52:00.000-07:00

Please take a minute and vote for Jenny Bowan to carry the Olympic Torch in Beijing. Jenny is the founder of the Half the Sky Foundation which is dedicated to the children in China that are still in orphanages. The program has done some incredible things-increased the number of foster parents, improved orphanage conditions dramatically, provided education and medical care. In short, this organization is performing miracles. We would love to see Jenny represent the orphans of China-usually girls. They are a group that is often forgotten. Please vote for Jenny today-and pass this onto anyone you think might be interested.

Vote here:http://pub1.chinadaily.com.cn/olympics/torch/members.shtml?mid=212

Good Monday morning and welcome to October. October is a busy month-the Supreme Court begins its sessions today, harvest festivals begin popping up all over the country,kids gear up for Halloween-second only to Christmas in terms of retail sales.
Beijing is choosing their Olympic torch bearer and people all over the world put their own unique spin on the transition from summer to autumn.

We celebrated Asian Mid-Autumn festival last night-albeit a few days late-we ate moon cakes (we liked the winter melon the best), the kids made dumplings and we ate delicious, homemade and authentic Chinese food. Seated at our table were three Shanghai natives, one girl who's mom is Chinese and her father white, one woman born in Uruguay, a couple of plain old Americans of European ancestry and a girl who joined her family via adoption from China.

It was quite exciting-people speaking in Chinese and Spanish, the kids trying to communicate with the the non-English speaking group, the English-speaking rolling Chinese words around on their tongues, and the non-English speakers doing the same with English. Of course, there was plenty of Spanish thrown in to the mix.

As I was shooed out of my kitchen when the Shanghaiense women took over, I was able to sit back and watch the show. Not once did I hear the kids-or adults-become frustrated by the difficulty in communication. Not once did I hear anything about the 'unusual food'. The kids-and adults-listened in awe as they were told the story of the Mid-Autumn festival communicated in Chinese, Spanish, English, and pantomime.

Of course, there were some goofs-we forgot to treat the older women with the respect they deserved. We should have seated them at the head of the table-but everyone sat down willy-nilly. But in general, we managed the evening without international incidents.

We were lucky to truly bring authentic experiences to our children. It broadened their horizons and gave them insight into a distinctly different cultural experience.

With more of these kinds of experiences the kids (and their adults) will truly be able to understand and respect culture, choices and 'abilities'. We are five kids closer to a bully-free future!

Thursday is book day!

2007-09-27T04:46:00.001-07:00

I came across this book as I was looking for ways to show my daughter that there were other kids-maybe not exactly like her-dealing with issues that were difficult for them. While I do believe that we are lucky-we are healthy, have a roof over our heads and lots of love-I also believe that we have the right to ruminate on our problems-even if there are others in the world in more dire straigths. I believe that we have the right to think our problems are as important, albeit only to us, as anyone else's problems.

That's why I liked this book. The short stories and poems collected in this are arranged in sections that focus on particular problems and crises children may face that isolate them from "normal" peers. Themes include sickness, disability, hospitalization, loss, conflict, developmental change, and loneliness.

The stories are simple, most 2-3 pages followed by a few questions to talk about. Characters featured in the stories represent a range of ethnicities and socio-economic situations.

If you want to help your children either cope with some of these issues-or help them walk in another child's shoes for a moment, then this is the book for you.

It isn't rocket science and won't 'fix' problems that kids face, but it is a beginning and you and your child can explore the issues together in 'safety' because the problems aren't happening to your child.

So, enjoy this week's selection.

With respect,
Deb

Say what you want-but remember that actions still speak louder than words.

2007-09-26T07:03:00.000-07:00

Did our notion of free speech go out the window when Columbia University President, Lee Bollinger introduced Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad as a "a petty and cruel dictator." Granted, Ahmadinejad did say some flamboyant and controversial things-like questioning the Holocaust's impact on Palestine and claiming that there are no homosexuals in Iran-which reminds me of an equally ridicules statement by Bill Clinton claiming there were no gays in the military-but that is another story!

At any rate, I am not supporting Ahmadinejad or Iran in any shape or form, but I am questioning the wisdom of Lee Bollinger's introduction-which if it doesn't undermine our sense of free speech, it certainly seems like it can be selective use of free speech to me.

And while I don't condone the Iranian president, I also don't appreciate Lee Bollinger playing fast and loose with one of the most important tenets of the Bill of Rights.

Here's why: it is clear that most American don't like the things that the Iranian President said and don't like the schemes that they suspect the Iranian people are concocting even as we speak-and that is OK. I am totally concerned with what is going on in the Middle East-and in Asia-and any other place where nuclear weapons are a real threat.

Can we separate what the Iranian government and people are "doing" from who the Iranian people "are".

We need to be able to separate deeds from the people who are doing them or talking about doing them.....just like we do with our kids. You probably always like your kids-although this might be tested at times, but you probably don't like the things that theydo. You might not like what George Bush is doing
in his role as President, but unless you know him, you can't determine if you "like" him.

To put it another way, don't say "I don't like George Bush". Say instead, "I don't like anything that George Bush is doing in the Middle East." You have the right to say what you want(remember Freedom of Speech) but you need to be mindful of the consequences especially when it comes to our kids forming points of view on people.

You may be tempted to shrug this off as just semantics-but words can be weapons, too.

Yesterday, we defined bias, prejudice and discrimination. Today, we need to think about the consequences of our biases and prejudices about Iran and its people and the actions that it might lead us to take. More importantly, we need to be mindful of how our children will interpret our thoughts and actions.

Will they assume that all Iranian people are "bad". Do you want them to make decisions about people based on the actions of one person. How do you square biases and prejudices driven by the Iranian president with the family from Iran that just moved in to the neighborhood.

Equally as important is if you want your children to be judged by the prejudices spewed from the Iranian president. Do you want you new Iranian neighbors to make the assumption that your family-like all Americans-are fatally flawed?

Bias, prejudice and discrimination is a two way street, but we do have the opportunity to evaluate people on a 'one-off' basis by they kind of people they are, by the things that they do-and not just by what they say. And I would venture to guess that we want our children judged by their own merit, not by some stereotypical measures that other ascribe to all Americans.

Person by person and community by community, we need to look beyond the rhetoric-we don't have to agree with, like or respect the rhetoric, but we do need to respect a person's right to their own views.....and decide if we want them in our circles by how they act on their views.

With respect,
Deb

D (definition) Day

2007-09-25T06:53:00.000-07:00

I was tooling around the Internet yesterday and came across a statement that biases were based in facts while prejudice was not based on facts. That struck me as odd, so I decided to look around a bit more. I wanted other opinions on the differences between bias and prejudice.

I found these definitions from Southern Mississippi University the most succinct and informative-and considering their location in the Deep South, I assumed that they were pretty familiar with bias, prejudice and its consequences.

So here goes:

Bias

There are many definitions for the word "bias". In human relationships, the most important of these connects bias with prejudice.Bias implies unfair judgment based on these arbitrary human characteristics. It's also something we all do, whether through a systematic like or dislike of certain characteristics, or simply through lack of familiarity with the world of human difference.

Prejudice

Prejudice is a feeling we have about one another and our human characteristics: age, facial features, hair texture, body size and shape, gender, skin color, nationality, language, religious values, cultural values, sexual orientation ... the list is endless!

Discrimination

When people act on their biased feelings -- whether intentionally or unintentionally -- then they are acting out "isms", such as racism, sexism, ageism, heterosexism ... the list is endless and devastating to human potential. This is what is meant by terms such as "harassment" and "discrimination."

When all is said and done, if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck-then it is a duck. So, lets be honest and not get caught up in semantics. We need to own our biases, stereotypes and prejudices-and not let our kids imitate them.

With Respect,
Deb

Are you my mother?

2007-09-24T05:04:00.001-07:00

Do you remember that great children's book-Are you my mother?-where a baby bird falls out of its nest and goes looking for its mother. The baby bird stops to ask the cow, dog, and even a steam shovel if they are its mother. They all tell it no, and he keeps on searching until, lo and behold, he finds his mother-and she is a bird.

But let's rewrite that story just a bit. A weak and sickly baby macaque monkey is abandoned by his mother. He was found, near death, and brought to an animal hospital. where a white pigeon literally took him under her wing and 'mothered' him.

Sometimes we get so wrapped up in what people look like that we forget that we don't have to look like anyone to be loved. And isn't that what we all want-to be loved no matter how we look? Isn't that the message you want to send to your children?

I know that I do.

With Respect,
Deb

We can all relate to this story!

2007-09-21T05:56:00.000-07:00

Everyone can relate to this story....it came from http://www.all4humor.com/jokes/kids/index.html

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long."

He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."

The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..."

The mother broke in, "My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen."

So the next time your child is whining and complaining, remember this story...and it might make you laugh.

With Respect
Deb

Thursday is book day!

2007-09-20T08:37:00.001-07:00

"The Jade Dragon" is a story of two girls-one born in China-Stephanie-and adopted and one born in the US to Chinese-born parents-Ginny. Ginny, feeling like the odd-girl out is thrilled when Stephanie joins her class. At last, another girl who looks like her. Maybe she can finally get a best friend. Unfortunately, Stephanie is not interested in anything Chinese-even Ginny-and Stephanie's mother continually rants about Stephanie's lack of "Chineseness", making it difficult for her daughter to forge a relationship she desires.

While the story, is about the relationship between the two girls, it is the context in which the story plays out that is interesting. Written in the 80s with references to "The Smurf" and "Star Wars", the language used about adoption is now considered a no-no. For example, Ginny's mother refers to Stephanie's birth parents as her 'real' parents-a moniker that parents whose children joined them via adoption have fought hard to stamp out and how unlucky Stephanie is because her parents didn't want her (ouch). Ginny's mother also refers to Ginny as an ABC-American Born Chinese. She scoffs at Ginny's attempt to walk the line between dutiful Chinese daughter and hip American girl.

Most interesting is the peek into the girls' psyches. Both girls feel that they are outcasts-different in a fundamental way. Ginny asks Stephanie if she wishes her white parents were Chinese. Stephanie confesses that she wishes they all were white. Ginny also 'confesses' to not wanting to be Chinese-more to please Stephanie and gain her trust than anything else.

This type of story is important for a couple of reasons:
1. It provides insight on the difficulties growing up as a person of color in
the world.
2. It highlights the juxtaposition between kids wanting to be "American" and
their parents desires to instill traditional values and culture.
3. It shows the lenghths that kids will go to in order to fit in.

While I cringed at the 'improper' adoption language and other slang, my daughter didn't blink at them. She related to both characters-Stephanie for being the Asian daughter adopted by white parents and to Ginny, always feeling like she didn't belong-except when surrounded by other Asians.

Your children may not be Asian or adopted, but the feelings that Ginny and Stephanie explore may be a wake up call. If your kids aren't 'different' they may get a better understanding of what that feels like. And you can start to "really" understand the power of language for form values.

With respect,
Deb

In the pink....standing up to bullies!

2007-09-19T09:00:00.000-07:00

The pink triangle was originally used to identify homosexual men in Nazi concentration camps. Today, the pink triangle has evolved to a symbol of gay pride. Of course, some men-regardless of their sexual orientation-simply like to wear pink and don't think twice about the color's significance. But, there are some people who assume that a man wearing pink, must be gay and then go out of their way to make sure that man knows how he feels about homosexuality as the 'story' below indicates!

Once upon a time, a high school boy came to school wearing a pink shirt. He was minding his business when a group of older boys began to harass and threaten-they thought that he was gay because he was wearing a pink shirt.

The younger boy was devastated, but he was not alone. Another senior decided 'enough was enough' and decided to give the bullies something to talk about.

The next day, the older boy and his friend handed out 75 pink shirts before class-and also brought a pink basketball to school and pink material for headbands and arm bands. About 1/2 of the schools 830 students wore pink that day-including the young man who had been bullied for wearing pink in the first place.

The bullies got made and began to throw chairs in the cafeteria, asking if the kids knew that pink on a male is a symbol for homosexuality. The response-who care-and that it didn't matter to him or anyone else. Judging people by the color of their shirts or pants is ridicules, is also what the bullies heard.

And the young man who was bullied in the first place-was supported and defended by his fellow students. Those kids were sure raised right!

The End!

Of course, this is not a once upon a time story. It happened in Nova Scotia earlier in the month.

What do you think your child would do in a similar situation? Would the stand up to the bullies or would they look the other way-not wanting to get involved? What do you think you would have done?

With Respect,
Deb

Satire-the reprise

2007-09-18T08:13:00.000-07:00

The battle over the appropriateness of a recent YouTube video depicting adoption from China is still raging-weeks after the video was first uploaded. This discussion followed hot on the heels of the controversy generated by O. Yang's photos of white fathers and daughters born in China. Like everything, some people feel that it is satire and other think it is a horrendous and destructive and racist piece of 'entertainment'.

Who is right? And do we have the right to make that decision?

Merriman-Webster Online dictionary defines satire as:
1 : a literary work holding up human vices and follies to ridicule or scorn
2 : trenchant wit, irony, or sarcasm used to expose and discredit vice or folly

Franky, both the video and photo series meet the criteria as satire. Yet, members of the community were enraged that these artistic endeavors saw the light of day.
They want these types of things stricken from our collective memories? Other think that if something offends you then you should just not partake.

So what is a thinking person to do? Surely, ignoring the offensive material is one way. Censorship of offensive material may be desirable, but not realistic in our free speech society.

Thinking people have to come to grips with the fact that there will always be material, billed as entertainment, will sneak into our lives-and it will always create controversy. However, as time goes by, things that were once considered ok, become obsolete (think about Aunt Jemima Pancakes-Aunt Jemima was portrayed with a kerchief on her head, thick, full lips and curly, curly hair early on...and by the next generation her look had changed significantly because the earlier look was hopelessly stereotyped.) We can hope that what we find offensive will go the way of the original Aunt Jemima.

Until that happens, we might want to look at these things as opportunities to help our kids understand the role that the media plays in our points of view of what is ok and what isn't. We can use these opportunities to discuss the 'whys' and 'what ifs' of our value systems.

It is a great opportunity for you to show your kids the difference between satire and racism-from your point of view. We should not give up the fight to eliminate bias and racism, but we should use what examples to show our kids the consequences of 'satire'.

With luck, by the time our kids get older, they will find hurtful satire has gone by the wayside because they don't get the play they once had.

With respect,
Deb

Friday Fun!

2007-09-14T09:34:00.000-07:00

If you NOT convinced that how we say and do things-even unwittingly-are picked up by our kids, read these REAL stories below...

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....' His mother heard what he was saying and gasped,'What are you doing?' The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mom.' 'And is this how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked. 'Yes,' he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you teaching my son in math?' The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.' The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?' After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?' The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, 'Yes, and my Mom says it's a b-tch to iron.'

Have a great weekend.
With Respect,
Deb

San Diego, anyone?

2007-09-13T08:42:00.000-07:00

I promised my daughter I would take her to Sea World in San Diego, CA for Thanksgiving-who wouldn't want to share this festive day with Shamu?!

It has been many years since I have travelled to San Diego, so I was a bit flummoxed about how to begin to search for places to stay that were child-friendly and near the attractions we would want to visit-the beach, the Zoo, Sea World etc. I also wanted to be able to take cabs and walk places to eliminate renting a car (for some reason this has always been my least favorite part of traveling).

Looking online for accommodations and flights proved to be challenging-first the amount of information is enormous and there was no ability to compare and contrast, so the back button on my browser was working overtime.

Fortunately, I found Hotel Reservations. The site is very straightforward and has all the bells and whistles that a traveler might need-but they don't get in the way of the information. It took me some time to get used to the way the information was presented-there is a lot of information in a little bit of space, but once that happened, I was good to go.

I started with hotels and was pleased to see that there were LOTS of choices-bed and breakfast, luxury, budget and everything in between and the prices were competitive-if not better than other sites. There was extensive information on each property-including distances to the places we want to see- which allowed me to further hone in on the area that was best for us. The best feature I found was the ability to compare the finalists and pick a winner-one that I don't think I would have found on my own.

The search for flights was a not as successful, probably because we will be traveling at Thanksgiving. While the flights were limited, they were extremely economical and I liked the ability to view the results by price, total duration and total flight time-when traveling with a seven year old, travel time becomes quite important.

The vacation packages were also quite good. The ability to identify attractions we wanted to be near, took some of the guesswork out of the mix-and eliminated the need to make numerous phone calls to figure out if I would spend the week in the car or not.

Since we are also looking at a trip to China in the not-to-distant future, I also peeked at the hotel and flights for that journey. I have been shopping that trip for quite a while and was pleased to find out that the prices and choices were plentiful, varied and well-priced.

After some searching-I sure got the travel bug. Thankfully, travel is one great way to expose kids to other cultures, traditions and people, so I can feel good about giving my daughter great experiences that I can also enjoy-without breaking the bank.

Check em out and maybe we will see you in San Diego!

With Respect,
Deb

Thursday is book day!

2007-09-13T07:17:00.000-07:00

I confess, I love to read with my daughter before she goes to sleep. We do it every night (whether she wants to or not!).

Some of our favorite books are from The Magic Treehouse series by Mary Pope Osborne. We love traveling with Jack and Annie as the explore everything from the first Olympic Games to meals with lions and buffalo. We can almost hear the wind whooshing through the tree-house as they leave on their adventure and breathe a sign of relief when they arrive safely back in Pennsylvania.

These books are great for beginning readers and to read together. They allow the reader to experience history, nature, and other real life adventures through the eyes of contemporary kids. The juxtaposition of contemporary characters against historical events has been a great way to engage children and then even expand the conversation into a wonderful 'teachable moment'.

The series also help children experience other cultures and traditions. For example in Hour of the Olympics, Jack and Annie are surprised to learn that girls can't attend or participate in the Olympics. The inevitable "why" that kids will ask is an opportunity to talk about womens role in history and contemporary society-and to reinforce that boys and girls can do anything they set their minds to.

So, enjoy these books and let me know what interesting questions or observations that your kids come up with.

With Respect,
Deb

The dance of life: one step forward and two steps back!

2007-09-12T05:19:00.000-07:00

Just when we were all excited about the way Binky Barnes's family expansion was handled on PBS, another video surfaces on YouTube. You don't even what to see what was behind door number two.

Someone thought it was funny to present adoption from China as a shopping trip-pick the one you want, wrap her up and bring her home. The video came complete with images of girls from China in plastic shopping bags. Not only was the video in horrendously bad taste, it was just plain stupid.

Of course, those in the adoption community were shocked and dismayed at the portrayal of adoption, but the damage goes far deeper than families formed by adoption.

While Binky Barnes was likely watched by many people, the video on YouTube had the opportunity to travel worldwide. It is likely that many more people were able to see the YouTube video than watched the Arthur episode.

In 30 seconds-or even from the opening shot, the YouTube video did more damage to adoption than we have seen in a long time. It is frustrating, of course, that just as we think we are making progress, something devastating happens that makes us shake our collective heads in bewilderment. Some people will give up, thinking that they can't do anything about it. Others will become militant and angry, determined to have the world see their 'correct' point of view. Still others, will hunker down, regroup and continue to raise awarness and consciouness that bias-and clearly the YouTube video was biased-is just not acceptable in the 21st Century.

While the target of this YouTube video was adoption and adoption from China in particular, the next target could be ANY group, or anyone who is 'different'. The target of the next attack could be your family, your child, your community.

The 9/11 attacks were caused in part by bias against Americans-that is a very visible reminder of the consequences of bias.

It is our job to stop biases before they escalate-to bullying, to violence or worse.

What course of action will you take in your home today?

With Respect,
Deb

Hooray Binky Barnes!

2007-09-11T04:50:00.000-07:00

Finally, families formed through adoption have something to cheer about in the media. For the first time in recent memory a media vehicle has hit on the facts and emotions about adoption on the nose!

Congratulations are in order to the team, lead by Executive Producer Pierre Valette, who created the Arthur episodes following Binky Barnes and his family as they expand their family with the adoption of a baby girl from China. This is one of the first shows featuring adoption that wasn't demeaning or pandering. In fact, reviews indicate just the opposite-the show was able to accurately portray some of the feelings that a waiting sibling might have when facing the addition of a new family member. Binky Barnes's emotions run the gamete from excitement to dismay-and fear of getting the dreaded inoculations needed to travel to China to meet his sister.

This episode-and its sequel go a long way in normalizing adoption bringing it out of the shadows and exposing children and their parents to family formation in the real world. Attention is even paid to proper adoption language (probably for the first time in TV history). This show is a far cry from other adoption-related shows including the infamous Who's Your Daddy which served only to infuriate families all over the country and exploit the participants.

Thank you Pierre Valette, the entire team and the folks at PBS for making this happen. We just took a giant step in leveling the playing field for families formed by adoption.

With respect,
Deb

Bias bites back!

2007-09-10T05:43:00.000-07:00

The other night my mother was related a story about a gal in her office who had recently found her dream house. The woman is black.

The woman told my mother that she and her family loved the house,but were concerned that

there were so many Mexicans

in the neigborhood. My mother was shocked that a black person could be biased. She thought bigotry and racism were the purvey of Caucasians.

Of course, we know intellectually that everyone, everywhere has biases, but sometimes it seems that it is only white people who are biased (nothing like a little supremacy complex). That is simply not true-we just don't hear about it or think about it.

There seems to be a racial hierarchy with whites a the top of the pyramid. Second in line seem to Asians (after all they are all bright and hard-working). Black and Hispanic people pull in behind Asians. Given the demographic coming attractions where white population decreases rapidly against the rise in non-white populations, this seems to be incredibly stupid.

My child is a child of color. Some people will actually say (or intimate) that 'at least she isn't black'. When I pick myself up off of the floor, I still have to bite my tongue, but what the heck is that all about?

If adults are surprised that all people are biased and if we are using a racial 'rating system' to determine one's status in society then you can be sure that kids are getting that message loud and clear.

So ask yourself if you have any hierarchical racial system that you are unconsciously transferring to your children. You might want to consider putting a stop to that. You aren't doing your kids any favors. Kids need to be cognizant that everyone deserves to be judged based on his or her strengths and weakness, not by any antiquated and biased points of view that seep out of the most well-meaning parents.

Unfortunately, racism, like poverty, violence and other societal ills truly cuts across all boundaries. It does seem sad that some of the things that we all share are so negative, while the positive things take a back seat. Today's challenge is to become aware of how we 'rate' people and start to look at how we can keep it to ourselves.

Like any issue, recognition that there is an issue is the first step!

With respect,
Deb

Fun on Friday-from Overheard at the Beach

2007-09-07T08:42:00.000-07:00

But I Can Get by in English, As Long As They Speak Slowly

Canadian girl to Americans: Oh my god! You guys speak Canadian? We've been looking for other people who speak Canadian!

American guy: Yup, only Canadian. No American or English. Only Canadian.

Canadian girl: Awesome! Me, too!

--Punta Cana, Dominican Republic

Thursday is book day!

2007-09-06T08:05:00.000-07:00

September is National Hispanic Heritage and National Literacy Month. This combination is a great opportunity to expose your kids to Hispanic culture and encourage them to read.

Each Thursday in September, the books highlighted showcase Hispanic culture-and are personal favorites.

Enjoy, The Day It Snowed Tortillas / El Dia Que Nevaron Tortillas, Folktales told in Spanish and English-we did.

Books are an easy, fun and inexpensive way to give your children some of the tools they need to respect, celebrate and appreciate cultures, choices and abilities.

For a few books with a bit broader cultural context try these:

With Respect:
Deb

CBS Radio Does It Again!

2007-09-05T07:53:00.000-07:00

From bad to worse!

Some people just don't get it-or are so interested in making money that they don't care if they profit by abusing others.

CBS joins the rarefied crowd of those that 'don't get it'. As difficult as it is to believe, they replaced the controversial Don Imus with an even more (is it even possible) controversial racist, sexist and ethnocentric 'shock jock'.

Yep! They did it again when they announced that Craig Carton who's history includes, Operation Rat a Rat/La Cucha Gotcha-a 'game' to turn in undocumented immigrants, 'outing' politicians THOUGHT to be gay and mocking Asians by mimicking accents and traditions.

To be fair, Carton wasn't always a jerk. He has done sports formatted programs across the country and has successfully increased ratings in many of the markets he broadcast in. And like Imus, he has generously supported children's charities. CBS is pairing him with ex-football player Boomer Esiason-who one can only hope will be the voice of reason.

CBS must think that-despite the Imus flap that there is a market for sexist, racist and other offensive programming. It is up to us to convince them that we don't agree. This is the time to step up to the plate and vote with your pocketbook. Don't listen to Carton's show, don't support the advertisers that support the show. Make your feelings about this type of programming known in the only way that CBS will respond to. We need to hit them in the pocketbook.

If you are serious about raising great kids, the example you set by fighting bias, racism etc will be the best thing that you do. They will know that you don't just talk about changing things-you do something. That is more powerful than anything else you can do.

With respect
Deb

A day at the beach-off topic!

2007-09-04T07:14:00.000-07:00

I am fortunate to live in a beautiful area of the United States, surrounded by beautiful ocean beaches and calm bays. It is an area that is frequented by the 'rich and famous' (who don't drop by for a bar-b-que, in case you are wondering). In the summer, our mellow community is not so mellow. The beaches are crowded,parking impossible, the stores raise their prices for the 'city' people, there is a lot of traffic and tables at restaurants are hard to come by. Tempers are short-I guess when you are paying $300,000 to rent a beach house for a month, you have high expectations. The locals take it in stride, counting down the days until Labor Day and we get our communities back.

The summer visitors, on the other hand, are trying to squeeze in the last bit of fun before they head back to work and school. When the weather is magnificent, the pursuit of fun is even more frenetic.

We were fortunate to go to the beach twice this weekend-once on Saturday:

And again on Monday:

So, I was relaxed and happy coming into this week, hoping to get lots of work done and get my daughter ready for school...

With respect
Deb

Who knew that computers could be so funny!

2007-08-31T07:29:00.000-07:00

I spent most of yesterday in technology hell!

It was ugly-but not as bad as these true computer questions collected from different sources:

1. Who do I remove a banana shoved in the optical drive?

2. My laptop was run over by a bus. How long will it take for you to fix?

3. You mean that pop-out tray is not a cup holder.

4. I dropped my cell phone in my kid's chocolate milk and it got sticky, so I washed it in the sink. Then it was wet and I put it in the oven to dry. Now it doesn't work and I can't figure out why.

5.My floppy disk that won't stay in the disk drive, so I used Superglue to keep it in the drive.

Unfortunately, technology sometimes gets the better of us. But, not to worry, there is always someone who is less technical than you!

Have a great Labor Day Weekend (in the US). I will be back on Tuesday.

With Respect,
Deb

Thursday is book day.

2007-08-30T06:55:00.000-07:00

Kids all over the country are counting down the last days of summer-and so are their parents albeit for different reasons!

160,000 kids every day stay home due to bullying and 1 out of three kids in the US are effected by bullying-as victim, as onlooker or as a bully. And those are only the ones we know about.

Many bullying incidents take place out of the watchful eyes of parents and teacher-on the bus, on the playground and other places that kids frequent with some independence.

Bully on the Bus by Carl Bosch offers kids from 6-9 the opportunity to help a boy who is bullied on the school bus. The story invites the reader to weigh alternative and then explore the consequences of their choices. Not only are the kids actively engaged in the book, it is a great opportunity to get kids to talk about their experiences with bullies in a non-threatening, non-tattle-tale way.

In a world where bullying is at epidemic proportions and the consequences can be unbearable violence, we have to intervene before there is a problem. The old adage about sticks and stones has changed to sticks and stones can break your bones, and names can hurt you.

With respect
Deb

The Eyes Have It!

2007-08-29T09:11:00.000-07:00

Eyes are the window of the soul.

And we also look at a person's eyes and immediately assess what their race is. We automatically assume that a person with almond-shaped eyes is Asian. (By the way, rarely to Asians describe their eyes as almond-shaped. When asked the difference between their eyes and others, they are much more likely to refer to differences in color.)

Sometimes, Asian kids are teased because they have almond-shaped eyes. One Chinese woman recently told me that almond-shaped eyes are considered a sign of beauty as they are the same shape of the phoenix!

But looks can be deceiving.

Look carefully at Anjelina Jolie's and Ben Affleck's eyes. They are all beautifully almond-shaped-and I don't think any of them are Asian!

The 'take away' for our kids is 'don't judge a book by its cover' or a person by the way they look. We want our kids to be able to appreciate each other. In
Families are Forever, Rain sums it up when she says,"I could see we looked different.....Our eyes were different, but we could both see. Our lips were different but we could both smile."

So before you or your kids jump to conclusions, take a step back and remember what Rain said. You can't go wrong that way.

With Respect,
Deb

Thanks, O. Zhang!

2007-08-28T07:52:00.000-07:00

Never one to miss the chance to 'beat a dead horse', even I was surprised to see the fervor which still surrounded the photo exhibit, Daddy and I by O.Zhang.

It is interesting to see how people have become experts-in photography, East-West relations, father/daughter relationships and even ESP! The flap over the appropriateness of the photos and their 'true' meaning' continues unabated-particularly in the adoption community.

As of yesterday, some of the more skeevy photos were taken off of O.Zhang's site. This morning, one adoption group member reported that the photographer had taken note of the derision the photos were causing and reacted by re-arranging her website.

I am not sure if this is the effect that is most beneficial-in the long run-for our kids. On the positive side a group of people joined together and had their voices heard. Our kids can see democracy in action which is a great thing.

However, I wonder if this is the best course of action for kids long term. Intentional or not, O.Zhang's photos made people think about their biases and stereotypes. Some people were uncomfortable and (some oblivious, too) with the feelings that came up. It's ok to be uncomfortable, right? Sometimes changing oneself takes time and courage. Shouldn't we be thanking O.Zhang for pushing bias to the front burner? Isn't owning our biases the way to keep them to ourselves and not pass them on to our kids?

Of course, it is. But like any problem, the first step is recognizing that there is a problem. Zhang's photos forced us to remember that our biases are alive and well, albeit, deeply buried. As the old saying goes, "Da Nile, isn't just a river in Egypt."

The question is what are we going to to about it. Here are some thoughts:

1. Give yourself a break for feeling biases-we all do, no matter what.

2. You have a choice whether or not to pass your biases onto your children. That involves being as present and aware as you can be. When your child hears you mutter, "go faster you little old lady" when you are driving behind a senior citizen, they will pick up that there is something wrong with being old. They will file that away and pull it out when they 'need' to.

3. Your language matters. You have probably tried to limit your use of four-letter words around your kids, but you might not have thought about other labels that serve to cement biases. Labels like 'illegal alien or immigrant' are not only divisive, they are not accurate. People are in the US without paperwork-which is illegal, but people themselves are not illegal. Don't dismiss language as 'political correctness' and wait for it to wane. Respectful ways to talk about people who are different than you are makes a BIG impression on your kids. It is the first step in raising kids that are respectful-and successful.

Anything that makes us stop, think and react is a good thing-especially as it relates to how we raise our kids.

While I was not so crazy about the photos-I think that they are doing a good job of making us talk about some of our racial, sexual and cultural issues.

I welcome things that make me think and challenge me to be a better parent-even if it makes me crazy.

With Respect,
Deb

Art or Exploitation-only you can decide.

2007-08-27T06:17:00.000-07:00

Lots of talk about photographer O Zhang's exhibit Daddy and I (http://web.mac.com/zhang_o/iWeb/Site/Daddy%20&%20I%20.html) has been bubbling up in blogs and Internet chat groups over the past week or so.

The exhibit is a series of photographs of girls who joined their families via adoption from China and their Caucasian fathers. Sounds good so far, right?

The artist's statement about the photos indicates that he was trying to "capture the affection between a female child an an adult male"-especially when different racial and cultural groups are part of the mix. Zhang further writes, "through the relationship of the emerging feminine power of the adolescent girl to the mature father, each image explores the relation of the two often divided cultures: East and West."

Sounds reasonable, right?

Why, then, are the photos creating such a stir? Maybe it is about the vague sense of unease we get when we look at the photos? We ask ourselves, "Are these poses appropriate for a father and daughter?" or "Are these photos suggestive?". Are they intentionally provocative? What would your reaction be if you didn't know they were fathers and daughters?

Our reactions are largely based on our own internal wiring and the ever present biases and stereotypes that are part of what makes us human.

And maybe, despite the photographers 'statement' about the images, that is what the photos are supposed to do. Instead of simply exploring the relationships between fathers and daughters in a trans-racial family, the photos force us to come to grips with some long-held biases relating to older men and young girls, sexual stereotypes and the 'right-ness' of trans-racial families to name just a few.

Whatever the photographer's intent, the result is that people are looking at these photos and reacting-viscerally. Some are appalled, shocked and angry. Others think that the images do show the love and respect between fathers and daughters that transcend race and culture.

But, the important thing is your reaction to the photos? Do it make you feel warm and fuzzy or creepy? Maybe you think that the brouhaha is a just another publicity stunt to help the artist sell more photos and stage more shows. Whatever, you think-the point is you did think.

Thinking is the first step to identifying our biases and stereotypes. We don't have to get rid of them if we don't want to. We just have to choose whether or not we want to pass them on to our kids.

Jack Welch, the former CEO of General Electric, once said, "we need to view reality as it is and not as we want it to be."

Bigotry and bias have no place in the 21st century-the world is too diverse-and dangerous for us not to figure out how we can find our place without stepping on someone else's place.

And just so you know, I did think the photos were skeevy. They had a big yuck factor for me.

With respect,
Deb

Bye, Bye Stereotypes!

2007-08-24T06:49:00.000-07:00

Stereotypes go both ways. They can be positive, i.e. all tall men play great basketball, or negative, i.e. Chinese people can't run fast, but they are great at sports that require skill like gymnastics or diving.

I seriously didn't make these examples up! In fact, in the last Olympics a Chinese hurdler won a gold medal-much to the shock of the Chinese press who cautioned the home-country fans not to get too excited because the Chinese-by some genetic fluke-just can't run as fast as other people. Imagine the surprise when that man crossed the finish line first!

Take a look at this one...and remember kids need to be taught stereotypes!

From "Overheard in NY"

Teacher: And Montana--
Asian girl, interrupting: --Wait, isn't Montana somewhere near Germany along with Maine?

--Bronx Science

Overheard by: LSB

Have a great weekend.

With Respect,
Deb

Thursday is book day!

2007-08-23T04:29:00.001-07:00

What little girl or boy can't relate to dressing up in their parent's clothes?

Mama's Sari hones in on this universal experience as a mom and her seven year-old daughter select a sari for her to wear. Of course, the sari is gorgeous and the young girl begs her mother to wear it immediately. Of course, the mom relents and together they explore the traditions associated with saris.

There is a Hindi glossary that can help with the terms.

Mama's Sari is another great example of how books can provide positive role models for kids of color and provide an introduction to a piece of Indian culture for everyone.

Do you have any favorite books, movies etc. that you want to recommend? Please don't hesitate to let me know.

With Respect:
Deb

The Little Mermaid Rocks!

2007-08-22T08:35:00.000-07:00

I confess, most of the time when I am 'watching' TV with my daughter, my mind is thousands of miles away. But sometimes something will penetrate the wall that I have put up and I find myself drawn to whatever is on the screen.

Today was one of those days.

We were watching the TV cartoon version of The Little Mermaid. It seems that a baby whale got separated from his parents and the Little Mermaid took him in and loved him. Whenever any kind of baby gets separated from his parents, my daughter has a visible and visceral reaction. She wanted that whale to find a family and was thrilled when the Little Mermaid took him in. Of course, the Little Mermaid was criticized by some friends for caring for and loving the whale-after all he was a whale and could make crab cakes out of dear Sebastian. Besides, he wasn't "one of the them".

But the Little Mermaid persevered and handle things quite well-for a mermaid. While she sang and sang about how love was all that matters I couldn't help but think about the veracity of love conquering all.

Clearly, love is the bedrock from which our children grow and flourish, but is it really enough? I know it sounds heretical, but sometimes we just can't love our children's pain and issues away.

No matter how hard I try, I can't replace my daughter's birth parents or the pain that not knowing them causes her. I can never know what it really like to be a person of color in the US. That doesn't mean I just walk away or shrug it off. Try as I might, I will never really understand how she feels. I used to feel badly about that but not any more. I am not a bad parent, I am a realistic one.

It means that I need to find the tools that will help her heal and to cope with the realities of her life-just like you do every day.

The world that my daughter-and your kids-are running in is quite different than the one we grew up in. Bullying is at epidemic proportions-160,000 kids stay home from school every day because of it. More and more children of color are being raised by Caucasian parents who will never understand what it is like to be a minority-let alone know how to model racial identities other than their own. Family structures have caused the definition of families to shift to accommodate the variety of families today. The list of significant differences is endless.

But some things haven't changed-like our responsibility to help our kids navigate their unique place in the world, to provide language that doesn't hurt others and a world view that allows them to accept and respect everyone-no matter how they may differ.

To be successful, our kids are going to have to be citizens of the world, able to deal with incredible diversity in people and experiences. You can start today-it is never too late!

Love comes first, but it not nearly enough.

With respect,
Deb

Is Diversity Dead? Just ask the "Little Dutch Boy"

2007-08-21T08:37:00.001-07:00

Did you read the article in a recent Wall Street Journal that announced that, based on a study conducted by Harvard professor, Dr. Robert Putnam, diversity is dead.

But is that really what Dr. Putnam said?

Not really.

What he did say was that diversity was "inevitable and desirable". Diversity has proven to be a boon to the economy. That fact is born out by a study conducted by DiversityInc., which reports that over 300 of the Fortune 500 know that diversity is good for business and see diversity as a competitive advantage.

Studies have also revealed that diversity "fosters creativity and better and faster problem-solving." I guess it is the 'two heads are better than one' theory on steroids!

At the end of the day, trying to stem the tide of diversity is like being the little boy Dutch boy with his finger in the dike. He couldn't hold back the tides and neither can we.

And, really why would we try?

For parents there are two messages: first is a reminder that the media's point of view-is only that-a point of view. It is the reporter's interpretation of the world based on his or her own background listening. We all make judgements and interpretations based on our backgrounds-and we know that they aren't always the truth. So be careful about believing everything you read or see-and help your children to realize the same. Careful evaluation of media-whatever media-will allow you and your children to glean the facts and then make your own interpretations-a hugely valuable skill for your children in our "Information Age".

The second thing that parents can take away from this brouhaha is the realization that no matter what we do, or think,our kids do have to deal with people of every size, shape, color, and smell-and that is a GOOD THING.

As we become a more diverse society, kids who have been taught to celebrate similarities and differences can only benefit. Not only will their world view expand, they will be well on the way to a successful future.

And isn't that our job-to prepare our kids for the future?

Incorporating diversity into your everyday lives is a daunting process. Many of us just throw in the towel, thinking that we just can't do anything that will make a difference.

Try turning it around-what small thing can we do today that will help our kids realize that we are open to EVERYONE.

It may be as simple as pointing out an attractive person who doesn't share any of your physical features. It could be looking for books that are fun to read but get the message across. It may mean watching TV with you child-with an eye towards pointing out biases and stereotypes.

It only takes a little push to get the ball rolling.

Consider yourself pushed!

With Respect,
Deb

The Shoe is on the Other Foot.

2007-08-20T04:59:00.000-07:00

I am a voracious reader. I read a variety of books, magazines and newspapers-from treasures to trash. I tend to remember bits and pieces of things that I read and then pull them out of my brain when I need them.

This happened yesterday as we wandered through the Zoo. My daughter and I were accompanied by our Shanghai-born friend, Ming and her two daughters, Lulu and Isabella. As I walked around-the sole Caucasian in our little group-people we interacted with thought Ming was the girls' mother and I was...well, I am not sure that I what was. And, I felt self-concious. And no, I am not happy that I had that kind of reaction, but it was there, none the less.

I was reminded of Steven Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Unfortunately, I can only remember one of the seven habits-but that is another story! One of the seven habits that Covey considers essential is the ability to see the world through someone else's point of view in order to work, communicate and otherwise interact effectively with her.

The story he used to illustrate this took place one Sunday morning when he was in the subway in NYC. He recounts being annoyed as a father sat on the subway while his unruly children created some havoc. Covey and the family were alone in the car, so Covey decided to approach the father-partly out of concern for their safety and partly to restore peace and quiet to the subway car.

Covey got an unexpected reaction to his complaint. The father told him that the children's mother had died an hour ago and he thought it was better for them to let off some steam than to discipline them.

Of course, there was no way Covey could have known what the man was thinking-anymore that we know what someone is thinking. Covey's point is that we have to consider that the other person's point of view can be quiet different from what we think it might be. Before we go off half-cocked, he suggests we consider other reasons that a person may behave in a particular way.

So, here I was-a minority in the group and getting a small taste of what my daughter might deal with. People told Ming that she was lucky to have three beautiful daughters etc, etc., etc. I found myself on the outside looking in-and I didn't like it. I am pretty secure with my role as my daughter's mother so, I didn't do anything particularly stupid (I hope) to 'claim' my daughter as "mine", but I did get a real idea of what she might feel like when she is the only Asian in the crowd.

It is experiences like this, which remind me that we aren't-and shouldn't be-color blind-but that we need to be sensitive to the biases that we bring to every situation. We really can't assume that we know the score-unless we really know the score. We need to consider that we might be wrong about people and situations.

It also reminds me that if I was aware-and even a tad uncomfortable-as the outsider then I might have an insight into how to help my daughter when she is situations that make her an 'outsider'.

For me, the experience was short-lived and I knew it would end when we left the environment. I hope that my daughter will have the same experience.

For today, I am going to keep Covey's ideas on the front burner-maybe later, I will go figure out the other six habits.

Today is the day not to make assumptions about people, places and things. If I can do it today, then maybe I can continue it until it truly becomes a habit.

With respect,
Deb

You just can't argue with this logic!

2007-08-17T06:41:00.000-07:00

Enjoy the weekend.

I hope this gets you off to a good start!

With Respect, Deb

FROM Overheard in New York

Very Similar To The Sound of Hands Clapping

Father to Little Boy: You really don't have to talk all the time
Little Boy: But I don't.

Father: Oh, really?
Little Boy: Yeah, I don't talk in my sleep.

Father: How do you know that?
Little Boy: When I am sleeping I can actually hear myself not talking!

Neither rain, nor wind or dark of night.......

2007-08-16T06:11:00.000-07:00

USPS employees might not be afraid of the weather, but your kids may be. How can you reassure them that they are safe when all around us we are surrounded by a sometimes dangerous Mother Earth.

Yesterday's 7.9 earthquake in Peru raised a tsunami alert for most of the western coast of South America, while on the other side of the world, a hurricane was bearing down on the Hawaiian Islands. Wild fires are scorching the Western states. Fast on the heels of a tornado in Brooklyn another hurricane seems headed towards the Gulf Coast. And this is just the beginning of hurricane season.

This is scary stuff-even for adults. But just imagine what your kids are feeling. They may fear for your safety and theirs as well as other family members, pets and friends. You can't really tell them not to be afraid. But you can tell them the truth-you will do everything in your power to keep them safe.

Unfortunately, the increase in awareness-and fear-of sometimes devastating natural events is something that all share. Acknowledging kids' feelings and concerns while showing them how to cope with the anxiety will go a long way to helping kids put things in perspective.

Here is where a good book can really help. Kids tend to believe that if it is in a book, then it must be real. In Today We Had A Hurricane the beautiful collage art reinforces the message that the family is safe and sound and riding out the storm together.

Even if you don't live in a hurricane zone-don't forget the tornado in Brooklyn Today We Had A Hurricane (also available in Spanish) will help you engage your children in conversations that might be hard to start otherwise.

With Respect,
Deb

The Times-They are a changin'

2007-08-15T07:37:00.000-07:00

In case you have been under a rock for the past five years or so, our country is undergoing a massive sea change in our demographic composition. We saw the inklings in the 2000 US Census, but the mid-term Census report is even more dramatic.

These few statistics should be enough to get you thinking about what you are doing with your kids to ensure that they are able to 'play nice in the sandbox' with their peers?

Take a look:
1. Within just a few years, the New York metropolitan region — which includes the nearby counties in New York, Connecticut and New Jersey — is projected to become the first large metropolitan Non-Hispanic whites are a minority

2. Asians were the only major ethnic or racial group to record population growth in
every county in the New York Metro area.

And New York is not alone:
1. Four states - California, Texas, Hawaii, and New Mexico - are already 'majority-minority' states.

2.Nearly one in every 10 of the nation's 3,141 counties has a population in which multicultural groups comprise more than 50% of the total.

3. Los Angeles County's minority population is now larger than the state populations of each of 38 states.

No matter what your kids look like, where they live or who they hang out with, one thing is for sure-the landscape isn't going to look like it did when you were growing up. In addition to the pressures-like 24/7 communication and information-our kids face, they are going to have to be able to view people-all people for what they are about and not what they look like, where they were born or what language they speak.

Our country has shifted from the Great Melting Pot, to the Great Salad bowl. Today, each person retains his own distinct flavor-rather than try and meld and blend into a generic American. As your children develop their own unique flavor they are going to have to make sure that it can exist side-by-side with others who may have different 'flavors'.

What we do today to help our children to understand and respect everyone is up to us.

The staple of childhood, Goldfish, has an ad with a headline that reads: How children see the world depends on what WE teach them.

There are so many opportunities to talk about what we share and how we are different from other people-you can use the 2008 Olympics to begin a conversation about China and how it has changed and what that means to us-today. You can choose books and toys, games and puzzles that show kids authentic representations of people from all over the world. You can point out that career stereotypes are just that-stereotypes, there are plenty of male nurses, secretaries and teachers as well as female doctors, engineers and deep sea divers.

The opportunity to give out kids the gift of tolerance starts now-with us.

With respect,
Deb

Hello, Doll-y!

2007-08-14T05:23:00.001-07:00

If I ever doubted the importance of ethnic and racial role models for children of color the events in my household yesterday was enough to change my mind forever!

I ordered my daughter-remember the girl born in China-a Karito Kids doll named Wan Ling. First of all the doll is simply beautiful and quite authentically Chinese. Secondly, the company donates a portion from the sale of each doll to a charity that kids choose and can follow. But enough about me! The real story is my daughter's reaction.

My girl has never been much for dolls. When pushed she did get an American Girl Doll (Kaya, the American Eskimo) and she will pull her out occassionally, but she was way more interested in the horse that Kaya came with, so I was not anticipating that she would flip over Ling.

And flip she did. When she opened the package, she gasped and said, "she looks just like me." She turned the doll over, looked at her again and began kissing her making her comfortable in her new 'home'. She made Ling a bed, got pillows for her, changed her into pajamas. Ling even ate dinner with us last night. Shockingly, my daughter cleared out her beloved stuffed animals in her closet to make an apartment for Ling. All the while, my daughter kept looking at her and telling me how beautiful she was and how much Ling looked like her. My daughter played with that doll more in one night than she has played with any combination of dolls in seven years.

She just couldn't get over that this doll looked like her. It really was amazing to see the reaction she had to this doll-and to reinforce how much children do need authentic-looking toys and books in their lives. The 'look-alikes' resonate with them and validates their images of themselves and other people of color.

Of course, that is not all of the story. When we were reading Ling's story, my cerebral daughter noted that they were very much alike, they both loved pandas and zoos. However, when my daughter read that Ling had just relocated with her family from Chengdu to Shanghai she started to cry! Why? Because the doll and her story reminded my daughter of her life in China-one that is shrouded in mystery. She missed China. When Ling expressed her feelings of loss when her family moved, my daughter went back in time and space to a place that she can only imagine.

My daughter-while incredibly attuned to the sense of loss she feels for her birthparents and country of origin-has never quite had the same kind of reaction. It was as if Ling's sadness somehow gave her permission to explore her own loss at a different level.

Wow, what a doll.

The importance of images of all kinds of people, places and things can not be downplayed for any children. Your children may not have the visceral reaction that my daughter did, but they will see a kid, with real issues and feeling and realize that they are more alike than different. Coupled with an authentic images and your attention to using 'people-first' and non-biased language, your children get a real lesson in diversity without the emotion that sometimes accompanies discussion of diversity, bias, and racism.

So, it is some doll. But without you subtly or not so subtly encouraging your children to look at the world from different points of view it might as well sit on the shelf.

Look around your home today and see what images-decor, toys, books, etc-are displayed and what isn't displayed. Then see if you are willing to do something about it.
I know that I am constantly looking for ways to make diversity part of our lives rather than something we 'do'. Frankly, it is easier that way.

With respect
Deb

Does Progress Come at the Expense of Tradition?

2007-08-13T08:52:00.000-07:00

The 2008 Olympic Games are less than a year away-and the Chinese are getting ready to show the world what they are made of.

Of course, simply holding the Games in Beijing means it open-season on China-bashing. Whether human rights, unyielding poverty in the rural areas or China's contribution to global warming-everyone has an opinion. Even ESPN is getting into the act with an article titled The Bamboo Curtain
(http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/eticket/story?page=bamboocurtain.

The story chronicles the authors drive from Beijing to Chengdu (the same approximate distance from New York to Dallas). Not surprisingly, he comes away realizing that for all of the benefits the coming Olympics is bringing to the cities the rural areas are literally watching the world go by. The revenue and opportunities that await Chinese cities are non-existent in the countryside.

But whatever the benefit to China, there are also trade-offs. As Chinese cities are bulldozed to make way for Olympic venue and other 'modernization' projects, traditional ways of life in China are threatened. Hutongs-the alleys between court-yard dwellings-and a visual and important image of 'old China' are being torn down to make way for modern structures. It is interesting that this important piece of Chinese tradition and culture survived Mao's cultural revolution may not survive the Olympics!

The seeming demise of "Old China" saddens me. I am all for progress, but I yearn for a way to preserve the old ways in the process. Is the world becoming homogenized in the name of progress, or do we simply need to let traditions pass under the noise of cranes and tractors.

Yes, all people are created equal and we need to treat each other with respect and dignity, but the differences are just as important. Without traditions and culture and history we are simply automotons-driven to make money without regard to the things we are giving up.

It is also interesting that in the US we have a 'back to the basics' movement of sorts. You can see evidence of this in Martha Stewart's success and publication like "Real Simple" continued ad page growth in an otherwise abysmal advertising climate.

As the parent of young lady born in China, I am hoping to connect her to Chinese culture and tradition of the old China as well as pride in the new China. I just hope there will be an 'old' China for her to see.

With Respect
Deb

Bitch, Bridge-what's the difference to a four year old?

2007-08-10T07:20:00.001-07:00

I just couldn't resist....given my post earlier in the week...

Enjoy!

As In: Bitch, Please, I Know What It Is!

Toddler, pointing out window: Bitch!
Grandmother: Bridge. It's a bridge.
Toddler: Bitch!

--F train

Overheard by: Russ Wall

via Overheard in New York, Aug 4, 2007
And that's it!

Who knew what a 'do' could do?

2007-08-09T11:46:00.001-07:00

My daughter and I love this book-I Love My Hair by Natasha Anastasia Tarpley. The ability to say "I love my hair" may be just about the most powerful statement of self-acceptance there is. Of course, most of us don't like our hair.

It is too curly, too straight, too coarse, too gray, too short, too long-the list of complaints is seemingly endless. Women-mostly-try and fix their hair. We straighten it (my sister used to iron her curly hair when we were kids), we curl it, we color it, we cut it, we grow bangs then grow them out, we try new 'dos and after a few weeks or months we are back to where we started from.

Hair isn't called our crowning glory for nothing. It is the one thing that we can change easily and often. And hair matters in all cultures. It is an expression of individuality, of style, of desire and beauty.

But who sets the standards of beauty?

The traditional standards of beauty are pegged against Western European (Caucasian) people. This means that the vast majority of women in the world are aspiring to standards that set by other people who don't share similar physical attributes. I don't look forward to the day, that my beautiful daughter who has silky raven hair wants a permenant because curly hair is back in style. With her pin straight, fine hair no perm in the world is going to give her the look she wants.

Black women report that their hair is a political statement a window into her self-esteem and identity. It is clearly more than a 'feel good'. It is a visual representation of pride in heritage and self-respect.

That's why we love "I Love My Hair". First of all, the story is set against the backdrop of a time-honed mother/daughter bond-hair brushing. Secondly, when the young girl complains that the it hurts, her mother begins to show her how beautiful her hair is and how her hair is tied into her heritage and identity. It is a wonderful way to get a child to connect and be proud of her heritage-without holding herself to arbitrary Western European standards of beauty.

When we acknowlege that other people's physical charactertics-the ones that are different than ours-are beautiful and we can show our children that there is no one way to be beautiful then we have taken a step to ending biases and helping our children create a world that celebrates and respects people rather than denigrates those that are different from us.

So, the next time you are reading, watching TV or movies with your child you can start by pointing out the beauty in all of the people they see: Corbin Bleu-of High School Musical fame-has fantastic hair. London Tipton, played by Brenda Song a young Asian woman, has gorgeous skin and beautiful hair and let's not forget Vanessa Ann Hutchin's eyes-they are great. Acknowledging that these kids are all beautiful doesn't mean that the All-American kids aren't beautiful as well. But there is no better way to demonstrate to your kids that you don't have to look the same to be beautiful.

We can really show them that there are lots of ways to be beautiful-and that's power.

With respect,
Deb

Correct email for Karito Kids:

2007-08-08T11:40:00.000-07:00

I want to thank Michelle for pointing out that I had cited the incorrect site for the makers of those wonderful dolls that I highlighted yesterday.

The correct web address is www.karitokids.com

Have fun shopping.

With respect and apologies,
Deb

Who's the bitch?

2007-08-08T11:10:00.000-07:00

It seems that an elected official in Brooklyn is trying to drum the word 'bitch'-referring to a cranky or otherwise unpleasant woman-out of our lexicon. She claims-and I agree-that this term is incredibly demeaning and should be used to refer to female dogs of the canine persuasion.

Naturally, this has caused quite a flap-from other elected officials in Brooklyn, to comics and celebrities and of course men. The men seem to be the most outraged. In a nutshell, they thing this woman is overreacting. They insist that the word bitch, in the right context is harmless (people said that about the 'n' word, too)

Interesting, no? Considering, that men aren't-bitches; being bitchy and they don't get 'bitch slapped'. How would they know that being called a bitch isn't an affront to someone who is?

That is what chaps my a--.

We are so quick to complain that political correctness run amok and that the 'slight' changes in language are not important enough to lose sleep over. But, have you noticed that the the people who beat that particular drum aren't usually the victims of hurtful language.

Case in point-men and bitches. What do you think would happen if we started referring to men as bitches (in the same context as women, of course). Those same me who are telling us to 'cool our jets'-that being called a bitch isn't a big deal-would be apoplectic if the tables were turned.

Of course, there are examples everywhere. Who are Caucasians to say that a Native American is being over sensitive when they are referred to as red men? Why can't a person who is blind be recognized a person first and blind second (or at all). If we aren't blind or handicapped, or black or Native American or short, tall, fat, thin, Asian, Hispanic, bald or whatever then we have no idea what would be offensive to those who are. Why are we so quick to dismiss what the effected person feels. Who made us in charge of what is offensive to the collective world.

What does this have to do with raising great kids? Everything.

When we teach our kids to respect and celebrate mankind-whatever kind they are-we are teaching them to give people the right to define what is offensive and draw boundaries. Our kids need to know that it is not ok to label and stereotype. Language is an incredibly powerful tool. We have been somewhat successful in changing some of our language and labels but we are far from finished. We have to keep after ourselves to respect others-in every way-until it becomes viscerally ingrained-something that we don't have to think.

Frankly, this is just the first step and it is just about the easiest thing we could do. That's ok, though because it takes a lot of raindrops to make an ocean-and a lot of ignorance to make a mountain out of molehill. Our job is to tell the difference between the two.

There is no surer key to your kids future success than that!

With respect,
Deb

Diversity is FUN!

2007-08-07T06:42:00.000-07:00

Many of us roll our eyes and sign when we hear the word 'diversity'. We may question whether or not we can individually make a difference, or we may be sick and tired of folks making diversity a political correctness issue.

But sometimes things just click and there are ways to introduce your kids (girls in this case, I suppose)to different cultures in a way that is FUN and giving at the same time.

Take a look at www.karito.com and their line of multi-cultural dolls. They are great! First of all the dolls are authentically beautiful-not a stereotype in sight. Secondly, the dolls each have a modern and hip story which kids will be able to relate to. Most importantly, once the dolls are registered online, kids can learn more about the different cultures that the dolls represent AND your child can vote on the charitable projects in each region that the Karito is involved in. You and your children will learn more about social responsibilty, world culture and charitable giving....all while playing with great toys!

This is a great example of ways to integrate diversity-racial, cultural, geograhical-into our kids everyday lives. It is through experiences like this-whether through books, music, games or toys that our children will really get the message that different is just different, not better or worse.

Many parents will spend a fortune on American Girl dolls-which are a great view into American culture. Are you one of the ones that see the value of adding a multi-cultural dimension to your kids experience.

If you do, we get one step closer to the level playing field that will help our children be safer and more successful.

Go for it....

With Respect,
Deb

'Teachable Moments' about race and size in "Hairspray"

2007-08-06T07:56:00.001-07:00

Teachers, social workers, psychologists and other folks with similar experience often encourage us to take advantage of 'teachable' moments when they happen. A 'teachable' moment is, in my humble opinion, the opportunity to play show and tell with them. We can 'show' them via an example that is happening in the present, and then tell them why we feel that it is not appropriate. Frankly and unfortunately, teachable moments about 'isms' are all to available in our world.

The movie

Hairspray

was just such a moment for us. Once we got over seeing John Travolta as the overweight middle-aged mother-complete with the Baltimorian twang-we settled in to be entertained.

The movie is set in the 60's-right at the beginning of the Civil Rights movement. Intergration has not been incorporated into the American psyche. The lead character is Tracey, an overweight teenage dance sensation. She tries out for the local TV dance program-and is throw out immediately for her weight. The other 'ism' in the movie is racism as the Dance Show dedicates one show per week as "Negro Week"-where all of the dancers are black.

So we've got size issues with Tracey and race issues with the segregation of black and white teens.

The visual representation of segregation and the obvious distaste exhibited towards the overweight characters was fodder for a very interesting conversation on the way home.

Talked about label like Negro and fat and why they may or may not be appropriate. We talked about the fact that people were all people...different but not better or worse. And we talked about standing up for what you think is right-despite the consequences.

It was quite an interesting talk and my daughter was quick to point out similarities from the movie to her own life. Toward the end of the conversation, she nonchalantly said that what people looked like didn't matter-it was what was inside that counted.

While I glowed with pride, I realized that we could have easily skipped over this 'teachable' moment and simply bounced out of the theater humming the music from the show. I am glad that I did.

We have to bring things up with our kids-if we wait for them to ask we may be waiting a long time and even sending the message that it is not ok to talk about things that may be difficult or uncomfortable.

What are are your teachable moments!

What? You only had three TV channels?

2007-08-03T07:18:00.000-07:00

My daughter-who is 7-has been begging me for a cell phone. Apparently, all of her friends have cell phones. I would like to know who they are calling during the day when they are at school and/or camp-but that is a different story.

I have repeatedly told my daughter that I will not consider a cell phone for her until she is older/and or is going places on her own-for safety. Of course, this doesn't stop the crying about why she is the only one without a cell phone-she is also the only one without an in-ground pool and a pony, too, so the cell phone crisis is more acute because it seems so available.

But, that is not the story. As she was begging, she asked me when my mother had gotten me my first cell phone. I then clued her in to life in the Dark Ages, before cell phones, computers, 1000 TV channels, video games and other 'must haves' for today's kids.

She was shocked. She wanted to know how we spent out time-and what we did to keep boredom at bay.

But she was really concerned about the insurmountable dilemnas associated with not having a cell phone would cause. "How," she cried, "could you text message?"

I couldn't help but laugh. First, I have never sent a text message. Secondly, she was just devastated by the idea that the world once existed without this kind of technology.

I relate this story for two reasons-it is truly entertaining. More importantly, it showed me just how much my daughter wants to fit in with her friends.

By and large, her friends come from wealthy families and want for nothing (except, perhaps their parent's attention) and she wants what they want-without having to give up the time she spends with me).

She is also acutely aware that she is one of the only-Asians, adoptee, single parent family with a working mom.

The inability to have a cell phone just hits a little too close to home. Of course, I could get her a cell phone, but that would only put a band-aid on the real issue-her self-esteem. My job as I see it is two-fold. One is to make myself obsolete-independence is a wonderful gift for children. The second is to do what I can to help her navigate her place in the world. A world in which she can be considered different on several fronts.

To combat this, we work hard to accept and respect other cultures, races, choices and traditions. We actively seek out friends of all shapes, sizes, and colors. We talk about judging people by the way they look or talk-or anything else that makes them different than we are. It is a conscious effort-and it does take work, because for me, it meant that I had to put aside my biases and re-focus my view of the world.

Kids will not make the judgements of "good" or "bad" until we tell them what good or bad is. Young kids, in particular, are incredibly accepting. We are trying to expose ourselves to all different kinds of people (some even without cell phones).

My daughter is being raised to believe that different is just different not better or worse.

How are your kids being raised?

With respect,
Deb

What's Adoption Got To Do With It.

2007-08-01T04:39:00.000-07:00

Another adoption scandal in making news this week. A woman in Florida is accused of terribly mistreating 11 kids and disabled adults that she had adopted over the last decade-all while bilking the system for $3 million dollars. To make matters worse,as she was cruelly humiliating the children of adoption, she was she was showering her one biological child with love, attention and material goodies-alleged to be funded in part by the money that was supposed to be used to raise the children she adopted.

But is the real story about adoption? Or, did she happen upon a way to circumvent the system to the tune of $3 million? Was she just after the money? Or did she want to abuse kids? Perhaps adoption was the facilitator to her money-making scheme. After all, robbing a bank or embezzling from an employer might be more work.

We may never know the real answers to these questions, but we do know that yet another negative adoption story-that may not even be about adoption-reinforces many of the stereotypes that we have about adoption.

Many prospective adoptive parents fear that they will not be able to love their child of adoption as they would a biological child. Reading this horrendous story-conspicuously reported without speculation on other reasons-plays right into that fear-and may even discourage parents from adopting (unless they want the money!). It also 'reminds' people that families formed by adoption are at best 'flawed'.Couple that with the difficulty that the foster care systems that are already inundated with children they are struggling to find a home for and you get lots of kids without homes and more cemented and inaccurate biases against adoption, families formed through adoption and children of adoption.

The usual outcry from the adoption community is that the media never covers 'good' adoption stories-which is true. Unfortunately 'good' stories don't sell papers and magazines. For whatever reason, we like controversy and we like the horror stories. If we didn't the media would write about other things.

Still, this misses the point. The media-and all of us-need to question what this woman's (and others like her) motives are/were. If we dig a little deeper, we may find out that it is about the adoption system rather than about adopting children. The kids were merely a means to a very profitable end. By giving them nothing she was able to lavish her biological son with rewards.

As usual, Tom Cruise's famous line in Jerry McGuire, "show me the money" is likely where the real story-albeit probably less likely to sell papers-is.

Until we change what really needs changing-the system-we will continue to reinforce negative stereotypes and biases about adoption and the families who are touched by adoption.

Those biases don't do us or our kids any good. Make sure that when you talk about family formation with your kids-you focus on the reality and not the hype. Nip the biases in the bud and we can level the playing field for all families.

With Respect,
Deb

Tinkerbell is Black!

2007-07-31T07:57:00.000-07:00

That's right, Tinkerbell is black!

We were watching the Disney Channel last night and at the commercial break, the Disney logo came up and to my great surprise, Tinkerbell-with black skin-fluttered by.

I was so shocked that I asked my daughter what color Tink's skin was. She looked at me like I had gone crazy and replied, "black."

In general, I don't love Disney's story lines-parents being killed, kids being abandoned, the lack of authentic ethnic role models (except maybe for Mulan-but my jury is still out on her, too) and other 'exciting' story lines.

So, for me to be singing Disney's praises is a bit unusual. But, do you think they are 'getting' it. Do you think that Disney execs and creative people have finally realized that the world is more multi-dimensional, culture and racial than ever?

Some people will bash them for 'pandering' to ethnic groups in order to increase their bottom line and stock price. So what. They should be able to reap the rewards of recognizing that the world is not black and white.

Of course, my days of Disney bashing and of rolling my eyes and sighing, 'don't get me started on Disney' are over. I applaud them for making what must have seemed like a risky move-after all Tinkerbell is not unrecognizable. The choice of Tinkerbell to carry the diversity flag for Disney says to me that they wanted the world to take notice.

Don't worry about me, though. There are still plenty of people out there-especially in the media and entertainment world-who still need to 'get it' and provide our kids with realistic cultural and ethnic role model-and not in isolation. They need to be stars, to take risks and model the behavior that will lead our kids to a successful future.

With Respect,
Deb

Are we 'anti-boy'?

2007-07-30T13:42:00.000-07:00

An article in http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1647452-4,00.html Time questions whether or not we have become 'anti-boy'?

Are our boys achieving less than girls? Are they more discouraged by global economics that they have retreated into their rooms, spending hour after hour getting fat and playing video games?

We aren't surprised to read that girls out-perform boys in school,more boys drop out of school than girls and their reading levels are sub-standard. More girls than boys take the SATs, go to college or express passion for learning.

Christina Hoff Sommers, a fellow at the American Enterprise Institute, puts all of the pieces together and comes up with the notion that both the schools and popular culture are "failing boys, leaving them restless bundles of anxiety--misfits in the classroom and video-game junkies at home." She goes further, saying "boyhood is toxic: as a pathology."

Clearly, being functionally illiterate is a huge obstacle for later success-how can anyone, male or female get a job without learning to read? Not many.

So what can we do? First, recognize that there is, in fact, a problem. Second, we must shift our resources into spending time with our kids-the more the better.

But this is not a license to micro-manage your kids. In fact, many speculate that it is the lack of "boyhood basics" like competitions, adventures, belonging to groups and mentors that boys need-a need that some believe have remained constant for hundreds of years-that is the root of the problems boys are having.

Apparently, boys need 'structured freedom' and the opportunity to compete for or against something in order to feel good about themselves. Does that mean that these needs are in male DNA code? Or a we just looking for a justification for our boys falling behind girls-a position that they most certainly would not like?

I am the parent of a girl. I have rearranged my life to be around while she is growing up. I try and give her the freedom she needs-without compromising her safety. She likes to compete-and hates to lose. And yes, she is a passionate learner.

But is that because the schools and society are giving her more attention somehow? Is she just naturally a smart and connected kid? Am I a super-mom?

Much as I would like to think that I am the best mom on the planet, I know better. My daughter has an eviable passion for life and learning that is enhanced by the opportunities that surround her.

Why shouldn't our boys have the same experience? And why are we creating yet another divide or 'ism' in our society at a time when we should be looking for solutions to much bigger problems.

With Respect,
Deb

If your kids aren't in camp-look what they are missing!

2007-07-27T09:47:00.000-07:00

Every Four-Year-Old Knows a Teenager Like This

Four-year-old camper: Do you got a car?
14-year-old counselor: Uh, I can't drive.
Four-year-old camper: So does your mom bring you here?!
14-year-old counselor: Yeah. I mean, I live in El Cerrito.
Four-year-old camper: But does that mean you live with your mom or something? Aren't you in college?!
14-year-old counselor: Well, the truth is my license was revoked after I ran over those aliens. The FBI was angry because they needed to talk to them about the plans for the United States embassy on Mars, but it has to be kept hush-hush since the North Koreans may be on to them.
Four-year-old camper: Ohhh...

--California

via Overheard at the Beach, Jul 7, 2007

Choose books for your kids with care-the messages stay with them forever.

2007-07-26T07:36:00.000-07:00

If you are not convinced that the books you select for your kids-either for them to read or for you to read to them-are an important element in shaping their values and world view, then you must not remember Cinderella's story-you know the one-the one where she gets her prince and everything ends up happily ever after. Or you might not recall how many boys wanted to be just like Superman, Batman, Spiderman or any other hero. These characters were powerful role models for us and remain powerful role models for our kids.

The books you choose for your kids can reinforce or erase the values that you are trying to instill in them. If you want your daughter to aspire to be a princess with a prince to take care of her, then you are great with Cinderella stories. If you want her to get a more realistic picture of the world, you should consider adding other books to your library.

All mediums have power. For some reason if we see it in a book, in a newspaper or on TV we assume that it must be real and true and unfortunately this extends to the ads as well. So if you want your kids to learn to accept and respect others-and to realize that there are other kinds of people living in the world with them then you will want to expand their horizons.

Early exposure to diverse people and ideas doesmake a difference. Kids who are the beneficiaries of this exposure are statistically less likely to become bullies, be bullied or allow anyone else to be bullied. With this kind of skill set-the ability to judge people on their merits and not their look, language, smell etc. your kids will have a much higher chance of long term success.

And it can all start with books!

Each month, we will review a book that we think does the job. You can look at these books at simpleasthat.com.

Today, we are reviewing, Shapesville

Five friends-Robbie (the red rectangle), Cindy (the yellow circle), Sam (the blue square), Daisy (the orange diamond) and Tracy (the green triangle) discuss their differences and celebrate what makes each of them unique. While we are partial to real world examples the message that it is not what you look like—shape, size, color etc. that truly matters. The rhyming text and simple illustrations using bold primary colors is a winner with children.

Do you have any favorites that help you instill and reinforce values in your kids-without hitting them over the head, of course.

Let me know.

With Respect,
Deb

Is limiting the number of people living under one roof disguised racism? Or is it simple prudence?

2007-07-25T06:33:00.001-07:00

There is another storm brewing in Cobb County, Georgia today. Local officials are trying to cap the number of people living under the same roof. They are also concerned about the number of cars parked at an individual residence.

Some residents applaud the moving saying that their property values are negatively impact by the number of people and cars at the same location. Opponents of the measures say that this is an attempt to discriminate against people of Hispanic and other ethnic backgrounds.

This controversy does smell of racial discrimination-hidden behind the guise of property values. When are we going to wake up and smell the coffee? This kind of hidden discrimination does not help our children to respect and celebrate all people.

Are the people in question breaking any laws by living in crowded conditions? Do we want to live in the fantasy that they want to live in a house that can't accommodate them comfortably? Let's get real. Everyone does what he or she has to do to take care of themselves and their families. What they don't need is some nosy, racist neighbor making a difficult life more difficult.

What is happening in Cobb County happens all over the world where the price of housing is astronomical. Take a look at Hong Kong and other Asia cities. Large extended families live together in small apartments so that the children can save for their own families and apartments. There is just no other choice.

Instead of making things difficult for different groups of people-almost universally minorities-should we be looking for ways to make things just a bit easier or at least not put up premeditated roadblocks that serve no purpose other than to line a white person's pockets?

This debacle has the look and feel of the immigration controversy recently dinged in Congress. When are we and our government going to create policies that preserve human dignity for everyone?

Today would be a good time to start.

With Respect,
Deb

Chinese girl returned to her birthparents. Did they do the right thing?

2007-07-23T07:31:00.000-07:00

Parents in Tennessee were ordered to reliquish custody of their Chinese-born daughter to her birth parents.

Just reading those words can send shivers down the spines of even the most secure adoptive parent. But when you know the rest of the story-that the child had been in foster care in US because her birthparents lost their income and medical insurance and did not understand that they were potentially giving up their custodial rights. They just thought they could leave her in foster care until they got back on their feet.

Seven year later, the young girl-who has lived with the Tennessee couple-will be returned to her birthparents by the end of July. The judge ruled that the birthparents did not understand the consequences of their actions and in fact, had been fighting for her since they put her into foster care.

Some people are outraged-how can rip away all that the girl has come to know? How can the seperate her from the 'parents' who raised her for the last seven years? Many wonder what the long-term consequences of the decision on the child.

At the end of the day, this girl belongs with her parents-in this case the ones who brought her into this world. In fact, all children are better off if they are raised by their birthparents and in their birth-culture if it is possible.

Now, this doesn't mean adoption is wrong and that all children of adoption should be returned to their birthparents. Far from it. What it means is that we better make darn good and sure that the children who are available for adoption, are, in fact, available for adoption. No glitches in the system should be acceptable.

The heartache and heartbreak that everyone in the Tennessee situation went through is enormous and has to be eliminated-not just in this case but for all adoptions.

It is stories like this-that make national headlines-that reinforce the negative stereotypes about adoption. In this case, it also reinforces stereotypes and myths about Chinese people and their acceptance in this country.

Adoption, like racism, sexism, ageism etc is just another divide-another way for people to seperate themselves from others-and not in a positive way.

We have to stop all the 'isms'. We have to get our kids on a level playing field-no matter what they look like, where they come from or how they joined their families.

Let's do the right thing...starting right now.

With respect and celebration,
Deb

Leveling the racial/ethnic playing field!

2007-07-18T10:24:00.000-07:00

We are well into day three of Asian Culture camp. It is about 80 degrees with 100 percent humidity. The weather was horrendous-a five mile drive took 2 1/2 hours.
It wasn't pretty.

But all of the camper and their parents straggled in-all telling their own version of traffic hell. Little did they know-or care-that almost every one else had the exact same story.

Don't get me wrong, it took me three hours to get here....but I didn't feel the need to tell my story-it took everyone a long time, everyone was wet and everyone was sweaty. There was some comfort (although misery does love company, I suppose) in knowing we were all in the boat together.

Since we had plenty of time in the car to chat, I asked my daughter what she liked best at camp. She said, my friends, cooking and culture (she likes culture because the teacher always gives them candy). She didn't mention that she felt comfortable in a group of Asian girls and boys, so I asked her if it felt good to have so many kids around her that looked like her.

After she stopped rolling her eyes and sighing she informed me that it didn't matter that the kids were all from Asia, 'what matters is that we all have fun.'

I wonder if by leveling the racial/ethnic playing field helped the kids simply relax and have fun.

What would happen if everyone felt the same way.

Spot the Caucasian!

2007-07-17T11:12:00.000-07:00

This week my daughter attends 'culture camp'. Culture camp is a week long cultural immersion program for kids who joined their families through adoption from Asia. She has 'camp' friends-girls and boys she sees once a year-and they pick up from where they left off the year before.

Believe me, this is not a very glamorous camp. It takes place the third week of July-which is inevitably the hottest week of the year. The camp takes place in a church which is not air-conditioned and is a bit smelly. The kids go through seven or eight 'periods' each day. They cook, take language and dance classes, Tae Kwon Do, Arts and Crafts and music.

It is one of the few places that my daughter blends into the crowd. Frankly, I think the environment where all the kids have dark hair, almond-shaped eyes and joined their families throught adoption that is the appeal-and what keeps the kids coming year after year.

I have thought about how she must feel being one of the 'onlies'-only child, only Asian, only adopted kid etc, but since I have not lived those feelings, I can only experience it intellectually.

Today, I was looking for her in the music class and got a more viceral experience.

The kids were sitting in the chapel with their backs to me and were all wearing yellow t-shirts (it was picture day). I had a moment of panic when I could not pick her out of the crowd. I couldn't believe it. She is my child. I know what she looks like. But the pony-tailed, yellow shirted girls all looked alike.

I had to walk to the front of the room, to spot my daughter.

This experience made me wonder what my daughter sees when she is looking for me in a sea of Caucasians. It also reminded me what it feels like to be a minority-if only for a week.

Are you in situations where your kids are in the majority most of the time, or do they struggle to 'fit in' to our Caucasian standards.

It makes you think.

With Respect,
Deb

Too bad he's a white boy!

2007-07-16T10:07:00.000-07:00

My friend's daughter got married yesterday. Becky joined the family when her parents adopted her from Korea when she was a baby.

She and her husband made a beautiful couple and were shining with their love and the support of family and friends. It was a great day.

When Becky went to the salon she had been going to all of her life to get a pre-wedding manicure, the manicurists (all Korean) patted her on the head and sighed-"too bad he's a white boy."

While we all chuckled when her mother related that story, it made me stop and think. I am pretty connected to my own biases-they are pretty typical of women my age, reace and background I think. I guess I knew that all people carried biases along with them-I just never really thought that Caucasians as the object of racism. It had just never occured to me (ok, so I am a little slow on the uptake).

And that is a bias in and of itself.

Where it nets out for me is that I need to open my eyes and look at things from other perspectives.

In other words, its time to put up or shut up.

Not so funny Friday.

2007-07-13T09:24:00.000-07:00

I know, I usually make this fun Friday, but I saw this on www.overheadatthebeach.com and it stopped me cold. If Overheard at the beach really comprises things that people actually overhear and submit then this is racism at its worst-and reflects the ignorance of the speaker.

If it is a "joke" that is even worse. "Jokes" can and do reinforce and spread racism and bias. When we think we are 'funny' at someone else's expense-what does that say about us?

Ask yourself if this is funny or racist-it can't be both can it?

I Was Told This Was a Gated Community

Mom: I don't think we can stay at this hotel the whole time.
Daughter: Why? What's wrong? It's not that bad...
Mom: No, there's just so many Mexicans at the pool.
Daughter: We're in Mexico, mother!

--Puerto Vallarta, Mexico

With Respect:
Deb

Ethnic and Racial Role Models Rock!

2007-07-12T09:26:00.000-07:00

I have never really considered myself a lucky person. In fact, one of my mentors was perennially frustrated because he thought that I alway saw the glass as half full.

But, today I think my glass is at lesat 3/4 of the way to full!

One of the issues for people raising children of a different race is providing authentic role models. After all, if you are white and your child is Chinese, you can teach him about China, but you can't teach him how to be Chinese. You may have an intellectual understanding of what a child of color might experience, but you would never really know what implications the child's race or ethnicity has-simply because your experience in the world has not prepared you.

Today, my daughter is splashing in a pool with LuLu. LuLu has been in the US (from Shanghai)for four of her 13 years. LuLu's mom is my daughter's Chinese language and culture teacher. When Min offered to send her daughter to be a mother's helper a few days a week, I was estatic-and not just because my daughter would be out of my hair for a few hours-she would have role model. A Chinese teen, born in China and living in a Chinese family.

My daughter took to LuLu right away and I heard Lulu teaching my daughter some Mandarin and practicing what she already knew. LuLu taught her the character for horse-and then played Monopoly with her. They were chatting away like old friends.

I believe that my daughter is starved for friends of color, role models and experiences that I can't give her. I am not exaggerating. Nor am I downplaying my role as her parent. I am just facing up to the fact that as much as I love her I can't provide it all.

Beside her immediate attraction to LuLu, my daughter surprised me by listing her 'best friends' the other day. The are: Delaney (adopted from China); Ping (adopted from China) Kendra (adopted from Cambodia) and Pablo (born in El Salvador).

I was surprised those were her choices-I was expecting the parade of the WASPs.

But her choices tell me a lot about what she is processing now.

So, as you look to raise great kids, don't overlook the importance of developing friends of all shapes, colors and sizes. You don't have to feel awkward in 'targeting' people-after all, if you were a single woman, you might 'target' single moms to engage.

Get your kids used to dealing with people from everywhere, in every color in the rainbow. It might be one of the most important thing you do for your kids!

With Respect and Celebration,

Deb

Diversity through dumplings!

2007-07-11T05:12:00.000-07:00

Since everyone, everywhere has to eat a great way to get kid jazzed about cultures other than there own is to cook food from different cultures with them! Before you go screaming into the hills-it is not necessary to be a gourmet chef to cook with your kids. It does take a little planning, though.

When you cook anything with kids, you have to follow some basic rules:
1. Your kitchen and everything in it will be dirty

2. The recipes have to be kid-friendly-they will get bored and cranky if there are too many steps or the recipe is complicated.

3. The kids have to be 'hands-on' with the entire process.

4. You will probably end up cleaning the kitchen yourself while the kids slink off to watch TV.

5. To really be fun for kids-and less frustrating for you-have everything you
will need close at hand.

Last night we made jiaoze (Chinese dumplings). It was a messy and fun experience-and the dumplings were delicious. It gave us the opportunity to talk about dumplings from all over the world-ravioli, pirogi, kreplach, etc. Everyone was amazed at how many people ate dumplings. It really illustrated how similar we all are....and with that, we created one less bias.

In all-it was a home run!

Here is Min's Shanghai Dumplings-you can find all of the ingredients at your local grocery store:

In a large bowl mix together (preferably with your hands)
1. 1 lb ground pork
2. 1 small bag (1/2 pound) of fine shredded coleslaw
3. 1/2 lb baby shrimp (cut them into pieces if they aren't small enough)
4. 1/4 Cup of Sherry or cooking wine
5. Ginger root juice-smash some fresh ginger with the back of a knife and then squeeze the juice into the bowl
6. 2 tsp Salt (or one chicken bullion cube
7. 2 T soy sauce
8. 1 T sugar
9. 1 T sesame oil
10. Won ton wraps (you will need to trim the edges to make them round for dumplings)

Making the dumpling:
Take a tsp of filling and put in the middle of the wrapper. Fold the wrapper in half. Dip your finger into water and use the water to seal the dumplings.

To Cook:
Boil water
Put dumplings into the water and cook until they puff up-about two minutes.

Let me know how they turn out.

With respect:
Deb

Can you play "Spot the Asian"?

2007-07-10T11:24:00.000-07:00

Dr. Crumbley's interview on Adoption, the Movie make me think about the lack of role models for children of color and how Caucasians may not be aware of the insidious inferiority complex that comes from when they compare themselves to what is the standard of beauty in the United States.

It is true that some children's programs do have multi-cultural and multi-racial casts we still have a long way to go to bring those casts and characters to the level they need to be in order to level the playing field by eliminating biases and stereotyping.

However, as Frances Kai-Hwa Wang wrote on
, young APAs still yearn for heroes and positive role models; we are still playing "Spot the Asian" in the media.

We are not only playing "Spot the Asian", we are playing "Spot the person of color".
In fact, a TV commercial for Chuck E. Cheese-that self proclaimed
bastion of multi-culturalism seems to have forgotten to add black children (there was a token Asian and a smattering of Hispanic kids)to the spot! OOPSIE!

I might not have noticed this if I 1) was not raising a child of color or 2) had not read Ms. Wang's article.

Part of our job in eliminating bias and preventing bullying is to NOTICE and then RESPOND when we see things that further stereotypes. So, watch out Chuck E. Cheese, here we come.

What are you going to do?

With respect and celebration,
deb

Race versus Culture

2007-07-09T08:11:00.001-07:00

Friday Fun!

2007-07-06T05:58:00.001-07:00

We just finished watch "Quest for Dragons" on the History Channel, so when I came across little story it really made me laugh. I hope you enjoy it as well.

Like Dragons?

Girl #1: Rhinos have two horns.
Girl #2: I thought they had one, like a unicorn.
Girl #3: Aren't unicorns extinct?

--Kenai, Alaska

via Overheard at the Beach, May 26, 2007

By George, I think she's got it!

2007-07-05T07:12:00.001-07:00

I hope everyone had a safe and happy July 4th.

Despite intermittent rain, we spent the day at a pool party. There were about a dozen kids having a great time splashing around and moving from the hot tub to the pool. Pedistrian kid stuff for July 4th.

At one point, the kids were all in the hot tub-eleven blonde-haired, blue-eyed kids and one Asian girl-my daughter. They started to compare their summer tans. Needless to say the blondes were on the pale side of tan. My daughter, on the other hand, gets quite dark.

That is when something amazing happened! As the kids started to even hint that darker skin was not desirable, my daughter piped up and said "just think if all the flowers were the same color-that would be so boring. Its the same with people. Our differences make the world interesting." Then she proceeded to organize the kids on a 'color hunt' in the flower garden. They were able to pick out dozens of colors-including several shades of blue from one hydranga bush. She had made her point.

Needless to say, I was bursting with pride. The other parents looked on in amazement at the entire exchange. First of all, they were surprised the kids started the skin color conversation! Secondly, the ease in which my daughter handled the question and then the live example was a great sight to see.

Then I thought about some of my own rantings on this blog. Sometimes, I seem santimonious and for that I apologize. That is not my intent. My intent is to raise our collective consciousnesses to embrace the fact that we can do something about bias and racism-and it only helps our kids deal with the world around them.

When we do it right-or even if we just try-the results are amazing.

What did your kids do to amaze you on July 4th?

With respect and celebration,
Deb

Carnival Meltdown!

2007-07-03T07:57:00.001-07:00

Whenever something irritates my friend, Johnny, he says "that really chaps my a--! And that describes how I felt last night at a local carnival.

I witness something that made more than my buttocks chap! I think my whole body was vibrating in anger!

Here's the scene:

The carnival was crowded and kids were being asked to double and triple up on the "Sizzler" which had quite a line. No problem, right? That is a reasonable request. Some my crew got into the seat (which easily accommodated three kids).

Of course, not everyone could follow the rules? One mom had two girls on the ride-each in their own car! The attendant didn't notice as he was busy getting everyone strapped in (the girls had already been on the ride).

When the ride ended everyone got off the ride-some kids wanted to ride again and so queued up again. Not the girls, though. Their mother was screaming from the sidelines-"stay on, stay on". When the girls made a move to ride together the screaming (and I mean screaming) continued-"don't move," the mom shouted above the din.

This time the attendant did see the girls-first in separate cars and then realized that they hadn't gotten off and were riding again-even though the line was snaking around the corner with other kids (including mine)who were waiting. As the attendant approached the girls, he politely asked them to get off and get back on the line if they wanted to ride again-the same rule that applied to
everyone else in at the ride.

Well, you would have thought that their mother had been stung by a bee-she literally leaped over the fence and started screaming at the kids to stay put. The kids were frozen-they didn't know whether to stay or get off. The mother exchanged heated words with the attendant-"why is this such a big deal-they aren't bothering anyone. I paid my money just like everyone else." Again, the attendant tried to explain that there were other children waiting and that kids had to get off of the ride and get back on line if they wanted to ride again-and that they had to double up if there was a line.

That is when the mother went crazy; screaming at the attendant (who, as a reminder, was doing his job). The attendant finally gave up and the girls continued to ride.

Why did this 'chap my a--'?

It wasn't just the display-which I found disgusting. It was the sense of entitlement that this woman demonstrated. For whatever reason, she felt that the rules did not apply to her family.

What does that mean for her kids-they will likely grow up with a sense of entitlement-to follow only the rules which apply to them-continuing the cycle.

As with all behavior that negatively effects our children and communities has to be stopped-and that buck starts and stops with us. Think about the last time you were talking on your cell phone while driving (which is illegal in several states) or ignored a restaurant's 'no cell phone policy'. When we think about our own behavior, and how many times we teach our kids by example that the rules don't apply to us, we are as culpable as the lady at the carnival.

Are you vigilant in following the rules-even when it isn't convienient-as an example to your kids?

Let's make a committment today to break this vicious cycle!

With respect and celebration,
Deb

PS: for more kids book reviews go to As Simple As That . We would love to take a look at your favorite books, too.

Tough stuff-which is more important for kids-stability or building a racial identity?

2007-07-02T08:35:00.001-07:00

Each year thousands of parents in 'non-traditional' families grapple with the question of the importance of stability (staying in one place for a long time) for their kids and building their racial identity.

And yes, it a lot of cases it is an 'either or' questions.

A look at Census data quickly will tell us the trans-racial families, i.e. multiple races represented-a Caucasian couple adopting a black baby and inter-racial racial families-two people of different races producing children- are two of the fastest growing segments of the US population.

So unless these families live in a truly multi-cultural area, someone in the family probably sticks out like a sore thumb. Which, of course, is the heart of the racial identity/stability controversy for many families.

Jaiya Johns, the author of "Black Baby, White Hands" tells the story of his childhood growing up in Los Alamos New Mexico-where he never saw another black person and only saw other people of color when he discovered nearby Native Americans.

While his childhood was happy and stable, he and his brother did not have any role black role models. They had no one in their family who could understand-really understand what was like to be black in an all white world. It took him many years of exploration and discovery to become comfortable in his own skin. If you haven't read it, you should. You might also like " The Color of Water" which is the story of the relationship and challenges of a family-also stable-with a black father and Caucasian Jewish mother.

But is stability enough? How do you instill a sense of someone's racial who doens't share skin color, background, ethnicity, etc.

If you were to look at adoption message boards today, Caucasians adopting black children are more aware of the need for their children to develop a strong sense of culture. On those boards you will lots of questions about caring for their children's hair and skin. You might not see anything about building a racial identity.

Caucasian parents of Asian children can teach their children about Asia, but they can't teach them to be Asian. That can only come from those who have 'been there, done that'. Caucasian parent of children of color can understand the issues on an intellectual basis-but no matter what they do they will never have the experiences that their children of color face.

Children of mixed race often land somewhere in the middle and tend to move toward other people of color where they feel that they 'belong'. The parent of color in that family is likely to have a better understanding of what the child needs to develop a strong racial self.

So what do you do? Do you move to Chinatown if your children is Asian and you are not? Do you move to multi-cultural neighborhood? Or do you move at all? If you are in a homogeneous neighborhood (and yes, they do still exist) what can you do to help you child of color build a racial identity when he doesn't have any live-in role models.

Tough questions to answer to be sure and deserve careful consideration-and it is hard not to want to jump to either side of the fence or the other.

Some experts say that kids need stability above all else and the racial identity piece will take care of itself-although one would wonder how that could be. Other experts will tell you to move into a neighborhood and school where you child will be living and learning with other children of color-of course, in this scenario the parent would be the sore thumb. You would really have to ask yourself if you could raise 'healthy' children if you were in the minority position. Would you feel comfortable? Could you put your own biases on hold-letting kids experience 'human kind and not just 'our' kind'?

Without moving, parents can try and build a network of people of color that will help their kids see how adults of color 'are in the world'. You can fill you home with items from their culture and cultures around the world. You can travel. You can select books that portray all people realistically. A great example of this is "The Candy Store" by Jan Wahl (read the review at www.simpleasthat.com), you can educate the educators by providing ideas and solutions for how to incorporated multi-cultural/multi-racial/multi-whatever into schools and classroom.

And yes, you will have to run around town tearing down the signs for the Chinese Auction when you see them and speak up when someone belittles any group.

Whichever you chose, stability or racial identity, you are going to have to advocate, educate and take action every day to help create a world that every kid and family feels that they belong.

With a little luck maybe you can even have both!

With respect,
Deb

What do you get when you cross a horse with a zebra?

2007-06-29T08:28:00.000-07:00

Why-a zorse, of course!

In what must be the ultimate "inter-racial" relationship, a safari park in Germany bred a horse and a zebra and getting-you guessed it-a zorse!

A male zebra and a female horse "accidentally" produced a baby zorse or zebroid.

The little cutie, a female, is unusual-not because she is the product of her parents but because instead of morphing the traits of both parents which results in muted striped all over, this gal has only two patches of strips!

Officials at the park are concerned that the little zorse be lonely without anyone who looks like her and so they are searching for a boyfriend for her. They fear that she will be ostracized and then become depressed because she is different.

It appears that being different when you are young-whatever the circumstances-is not desirable. Remember that they next time you see or hear something that might make another kid feel different or somehow not worth as much as someone else.

If it could happen to a zorse it could happen to all of our kids!

Have a great weekend! And if you happen to see a zorse roaming around your neighborhood who looks like he needs a friend-have I got a girl for you!

Daniel and the case of the 'dirty' money!

2007-06-28T10:36:00.000-07:00

Remember I told you about my new caregiver-Daniel (the manny)? Daniel is a pleasant All-American kid, finishing up college and aspires to teach math to middle schoolers.
Kind of your 'average Joe', so I was surprised when he told me the story of what happened to him at a local gas station.

He needed gas, but didn't have much money on him, so he was scrounging around his car looking for loose change. When he tried to hand the attendant his money-which he admits was a little sticky-the attendant shouted at him that he was not going to take his 'dirty money'. Of course, 'dirty money' doesn't always mean that the money isn't physically clean-but is generally assumed to mean it is tainted somehow-at least in our country.

Oh, by the way, keep in mind that the attendant was of Middle Eastern descent and may have, in fact, been disturbed that the money was not clean (as in spic 'n span clean-not legimate clean).

Daniel responded to the attendant with a snide and inappropriate comment about the gentleman's gratitude for the honor of living in the United States.
Needless to say, this generated an equally hostile response from the attendant and Daniel ended up leaving the money on top of the counter and stalking away. With his anger Daniel took away a little more evidence to support his 'truth' about people from the Middle East and maybe even all immigrants.

What really happened?

Was the real problem that the attendant didn't want to take money that was dirty, sticky or otherwise unappealing. Maybe he wanted Daniel to find money that was more acceptable. I think that is a reasonable explanation for the encounter.

Daniel reacted as he did-not because he is a bad person but because he has biases that get cemented by the media-don't all Middle Eastern people hate Americans and are just waiting for the next opportunity to cause our country harm-and other experiences.

Don't get me wrong: there is a lot of anti-American sentiment in the Middle East and there are people, though not exclusively of Middle Eastern descent that are planning our demise-and this becomes our opinion of all people from the Middle East.

Daniel fell into a classic stereotypical racist trap-one dictated by his biases about people from the Middle East.

What do you think Daniel would have done if the gas station attendant had been a white kid? Probably would have found some cleaner money.

We have to actively work against knee-jerk biased reactions. Education helps. So does a cool head and the presence of mind to understand why we think and act like we do. No one says it is easy-but at this point in world history do we have any choice.

Makes you think, doesn't it.
deb

2007-06-27T04:27:00.000-07:00

I was all set to go on a rant about 'park-ism'. A study of the public parks in New York City has discovered that the quality of public parks is related to the affluence where they are. Approximately, one out of nine parks in NYC is 'below standard'.

No kidding! Is anyone surprised by this? Parks in the more affluent areas of the city have non-profits-like the Central Park Conservancy-tending to them. In the less affluent areas the parks are looked after by the NYC Parks Department.

So, congratulations to trend-setting New York City for adding another 'ism' to our vocabulary!

Speaking of parks, someone overheard the following conversation on a playground-it is the best example of how to deal with racism that I have ever seen.

Child #1: Is that your mother?
Child #2: Yes.
Child #1: Why is she white and you are black?
Child #2: Because I am adopted, and black people have more melanin than white people do.
Child #1: Oh, let's go on the high bars.

Talk about out of the mouths of babes! These kids have the right idea-they took the emotion and judgement out of skin color by using-facts! What a concept!

Skin color, like many other physical traits, is evolutionary. People with darker skin don't sunburn as easily as those with light skin. So doesn't it make sense that people who evolved in warm climates would have darker skin. The skin color is nature's protection against the sun's damaging rays. It is not a signal of anything else. We have added our own spin to skin color.

Imagine what would happen in the world if we filled our children with facts and left our own smoldering biases in the garbage where they belong? Would our kids have the ability to view people as people or would skin color, country of origin, language, stature, sex and age be the criteria for evaluating people.

Don't get me wrong-race and culture do matter. To be 'color blind' is ridiculous. The question remains, can we accept people as they are and make judgements from facts and not from biases that have been cemented into our psyche.

Let's take the first step today and stick with the facts!

Deb

"Illegal aliens", Paris Hilton and Raising Kids.

2007-06-26T09:07:00.000-07:00

I know, the link between illegal aliens, Paris Hilton and raising great kids seems a bit esoteric on first glance-but stick with me and then see if you agree.

Today's top news stories are Paris Hilton's release from jail (I know, I know you are relieved for the poor girl, too) and the heated debate on the pending immigration laws.

First of all, I want someone to tell me what an "illegal alien"? Do they come from Jupiter or another planet? Can people be illegal? It can't possibly be illegal to be a person, can it?

We do have upwards of 13 million "UNDOCUMENTED" people living in the United States. I know that using accurate language doens't always translate to good sound bites, but don't our kids deserve accurate information-information that isn't inherently judgemental and prejudicial?

It wasn't that long ago that my daughter was an immigrant. Yep, she came to the US on a green card and went through the citizenship process complete with holding up her right hand swearing to defend the Constitution. She is a pretty smart kid and has made the connection from immigration to racism pretty quickly ("why don't people like people from Mexico, Mommy?" when she saw a group vehemently protesting the legalization of undocumented workers who were primarily from Mexico). How I responded to that question and what actions I took-if any-were critical to her.

Next up is Paris Hilton-while most people claim to be sick of Paris it is one of the most viewed stories online-far outstripping folks interested in legislation that could materially influence our kids futures. It doesn't make sense to me that we would give a hoot about Paris, let alone be hungry for all things "Paris".than other topical issues. Yet, there it is-Paris Hilton as a role model for kids. I don't know about you, but that scares me.

So we have two interesting role models-one of intolerance and one of arrogance. How is a savvy parent supposed to deal with these less than desirable role models?

Raising great kids takes guts. We have to take a stand-they have to walk the walk and talk the talk. You can't claim to be anti-racist if you make cracks about
'those dirty Mexicans are taking our jobs." Even ethnic jokes have to be thought through. You can't claim that Paris Hilton is nothing more than a synchophant yet eagerly devour news coverage about her. Your kids GET this....and then they become you!

Parenting and raising great kids-kids with a realistic and accepting view of themselves and others-is done by example. Kids learn by what we do first and what we say second-Just remember that the next time you swear under your breath or sneak a smoke!

Ask yourself what your interest level in Ms. Hilton would have been if she was a Hispanic person that didn't have the documents to 'work' in the US? More interesting- is what would have happened if Paris wasn't white and priveledged?

So you see, the link isn't so esoteric after all. Its all about role models for the next gen.

Have a great day.
Deb

Parties, People, Perspective

2007-06-25T04:40:00.001-07:00

It was a great weekend-the weather was good, we went to a great party and to the beach. I actually had a chance to sit and watch my daughter play with a new friend.

She met the new friend at a pool party (yes, life is tough!)on Friday afternoon. She was nervous before the party, wondering if she would know anyone, would anyone play with her and other jitters. She called me three or four times to tell me that she was just going to drop off the gift and come home.

When I arrived to pick her up she was right in the thick of things; laughing and splashing. Needless to say she did not want to leave.

I wondered what had turned the tables for her-so I asked her. She replied, "look at the kids, Mom. They all look like me." When I looked, I saw only one other Asian child. I said, "there is only one Asian girl." My daughter then looked me with an expression the said 'why do I have to explain everything'. She sighed and said, Maaaaaa, they are all different colors."

And they were.

It makes me wonder if I am doing the right thing by raising her in an all-white neighborhood. It makes me wonder how I can really help her develop her sense of self-as an Asian American woman.

I don't have the answers, but I am sure that she will help guide me. In the meantime, if you have any ideas let me know.

deb

NYC-paying for grades!!

2007-06-22T06:12:00.000-07:00

The New York Times has been reporting on the mayor's plan to begin paying kids for grades and attendance. Educators are up in arms because they want kids to love learning. The program is meant to improve the performance of black and Hispanic students and are part of an overall anti-poverty plan.

Funded by private donations, the program will also pay adults $150 a month for keeping a full-time job and $50 per month for having health insurance. Families can also recieve $50 per month per child for high attendance rates and $25 for attending a parent-teacher conference.

Kids in fourth grade can 'earn' $25 for each PERFECT SCORE on standardized tests and $5 for just taking the test. Seventh graders will get a more cash to show up-I guess seventh graders are worth more money!

The program will launch in 40 schools in primarily lower-income areas.

Ok, the good news is it won't cost me any money and could actually help some people.

I do have issues for encouraging kids to be 'perfect', as in get a perfect score and you will get rewarded. I also have a problem with being rewarded for just showing up. Would I be less skeptical if the program paid for each book read or some other empirical measure that didn't involve being perfect. Maybe. I am not really sure.

What does bother me is the racial implications that poor and minority students can be bought. What bothers me is that no one seems to be addressing the root problem-racial inequality in the schools. Why not pay teachers more? Why not provide more resources? Why not develop a 'pay for behavior' plan that doesn't decimate the kids' self-esteem by making them live up to being 'perfect.'

I am all for encouraging all kids to do well in school but I am not for putting pressure on them to be perfect.

Maybe somewhere in this scheme there is a plan that will work to motivate kids and their parents to achieve great educational heights-but the answer is not in making kids perfect.

Kids have way too much pressure on them already. They don't need anymore.

Deb

Cultural Awareness Runs Amok

2007-06-21T08:18:00.002-07:00

I saw this on www.onlyinnewyork.com and laughed out loud. I am usually so focued on the seriousness of cultural and racial diversity that I miss the humor-but this sure hit home for me.

"Her" People Love Fashion at a Bargain

Older woman: Excuse me, miss?
Younger woman: Yeah?
Older woman: Your veil, your burqa is very beautiful. I didn't know your people were allowed to wear it in bright colors.
Younger woman: It's not a burqa, it's a poncho. I'm Jewish. It's for the rain. I got it at TJ Maxx.

--53rd & 7th

Sometimes we all just try too hard.

I hope this makes you laugh-and think!
Deb

2007-06-20T09:21:00.000-07:00

2007-06-20T08:22:00.000-07:00

Help Fight Child Abuse-DONATE NOW!

http://www.firstgiving.com/bullyeraser

Five words you don't want to hear: "you just missed Brad Pitt"

2007-06-20T06:58:00.000-07:00

We just missed Brad Pitt and one of his sons when we were in New York City. I am sure Brad and I would have hit it off beautifully becaues Angelina Jolie Angelina and I have a lot in common.

Ok, so she is a young, beautiful and a talented actress and I am a 40 something, slightly overweight, harried mom who and can't act her way out of a paper bag-but really here is what we share:

1. growing our families through adoption

2. trans-racial families

3. working moms

4. a deep committment to make the world a better place

Angelina and Brad have the eyes of the world press on them all the time. I have a seven year old velcroed to me most of the time-but I have you. And there are kids that need your help (and you don't even have to adopt them!).

Child abuse-running the gamet from bullying to death-is a huge issue right here in the good ole US of A and there are MILLIONS of children that need to be protected right now. On behalf of these children I have set up a fund-raising program thru Firstgiving-a safe and well respected online fundraising operation-to raise money for Love Our Children, USA (http://www.loveourchildrenusa.org/)- a nearly decade old non-profit dedicated to ending all forms of child abuse. And knowing the executive director, Ross Ellis as I do, they will succeed.

Here is the link to the site:http://www.firstgiving.com/bullyeraser

Any little bit helps-and no contribution is too small. Someone very wise told me once "it takes a lot of raindrops to fill the ocean".

So let's let some raindrops fall into our ocean-starting right now.

Now let me get back to Jolie-Pitt watching-maybe next time, I will get to have that little chat with Brad. And I hear that he really IS that handsome.

Cheers,

Deb

What color are you?

2007-06-19T07:51:00.001-07:00

Seems like an easy question, doesn't it. But, it sure stumped me when my daughter (who was born in China) asked me what color she was.

She knew she wasn't black and she knew she wasn't white, but she couldn't figure out-in a world where lots of things seem black and white-where she fit in. Never mind that 2/3 of the world's population shares her physical traits-she wanted to know where she was on the color spectrum.

She knew our black friend Gloria's skin is pecan brown, and the people she sees in Jamaica remind her of the ebony keys on the piano. Her friend Chasen's skin is lighter than Gloria's and is more like a creamy chocolate. But she still didn't know what color she was.

She compared her skin to mine-I am of Italian descent and my skin is decidedly olive-y-and she announced that she didn't know why I was white. "Snow is white, vanilla ice cream is white-you are not white, Mommy," she said. And, you know, she is right.

"If I am not white, then what color am I," I asked. She looked at the bowl of fruit on the kitchen counter and pulled out a peach, a plum and an apriot. She thought for a minute and said, "you are peacicot-a combination of peach and apricot. Not what I had expected, but at least she didn't pull out the green apple!

She began to see that people are not black or white, they are ebony, pecan brown, peachicot and creamy chocolate and every color in between. She is learning that the world-and people are a rich tapestry of shapes, colors, smells and sizes. But she still couldn't quite fit herself into the spectrum until she saw a toucan on TV. When she saw the toucan's beak she spotted a color that she felt best represented her---and it was a beautiful yellowish color.

As she began to feel comfortable with her 'color' she looked at me and said, "we are all such beautiful colors, but I don't really think it matters-what matters is what is inside."

I couldn't have said it better myself-in fact I wish I had said it.

What color are you? How would you answer the question. For me, I am quite content being peacicot! And take a good look at the toucan's beak when you get a chance....maybe you will see yourself!

Cheers,
Deb